Author: Lori Deschene

Tiny Wisdom: How We Want to Be Loved

“Love does not care to define and is never in a hurry to do so.” -Charles Du Bos

Love is a tricky thing because it’s something we both give and receive—and yet it’s so much easier to dwell on the love we’re not getting than to recognize the love we’re not giving.

I used to have a simultaneously broad and narrow definition for love. Broad, because it encompassed a vast number of idealistic guidelines, and narrow because these limiting rules quickly labeled most relationships loveless.

If someone didn’t seem to offer me their unconditional understanding, or if they appeared to judge me, or if they somehow fell short of my rigid expectations, I assumed I was getting the short end of the love stick.

That wasn’t love, I’d reason. Love is patient, love is kind, and so on.

But just how loving is it to view people through this kind of microscope, dissecting their every action and measuring them against some impossible ideal?

How can we expect people to love us how we want to be loved if we’re too busy judging them to extend that same courtesy?

I’ve written and published many posts that define and quantify love—what it looks like in actions and exactly how we can express it. To some extent, I think this is helpful because it reminds us how to act kindly, compassionately, and non-judgmentally.

It takes something abstract and it gives it form and function.

But maybe real love is recognizing that love is never perfect. That every day, we all teeter between love and fear, wanting to give, but sometimes being less than understanding and kind; wanting to receive, but sometimes being less than vulnerable and open.

I haven’t always given the people I love the benefit of the doubt—or the best of me. At times, I’ve been so busy looking for signs that someone doesn’t care that I made it nearly impossible to show them how much I do.

Today I choose to love less rigidly—to give, to take, and do both with less judgment. How will you love today?

Photo by mattieb

October 18, 2011
Giveaway: Pema Chodron Uncertainty and Change Virtual Retreat
Update: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha for daily or weekly emails to learn about future giveaways!

The winners:
Last week, Shambhala Publications contacted me to let me know about their upcoming retreat with Pema Chödrön, Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change.

An ordained Buddhist nun, Pema is best known for her many books and courses on meditation and Tibetan Buddhism, including When Things Fall Apart and The Fearless Heart: The Practice of Living with Courage and Compassion.

Her upcoming three-day retreat will take place at the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, New York—but you don’t need to travel to participate. You can take part from the comfort of your home by accessing the retreat virtually.

During this event, Pema will address the questions:
- How do we work skillfully with rough times?
- How do we transform our lives during times of upheaval and unpredictability?
- How do we broaden our tolerance for uneasiness?
When we’re going through a challenging period, Pema teaches, we all need to find ways to tap into our inherent strength and courage. When we access that brave heart within, answers to those hard questions arise on their own quite naturally.

Pema Chödrön’s message during this weekend retreat is as simple as it is bold: We can do it! And we can all do it beautifully.

The online retreat includes:
- Full access to the three-day event in real time via live webcast
- Post-event access to the on-demand video with streaming video playback until December 31, 2011
The event costs $85.00, but you can get $20 off using the discount code LBTB11—or you can enter to win one of three free tickets here!

How to Enter to Pema Chödrön Giveaway
- Leave a comment on this post. (Please note that you must be a Tiny Buddha subscriber to win.)
- Tweet RT @tinybuddha Giveaway: Pema Chodron Virtual Retreat– comment and RT to enter! http://bit.ly/r7UCqj
If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter just by completing the first step. You can enter until midnight on Friday, October 21st. To learn more about this event, visit Shambhala Publications.
October 18, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: Letting Other People Dictate Your Choices

“Don’t think you’re on the right road just because it’s a well-beaten path.” -Unknown

The other day, I watched a fascinating documentary about behavioral economics—a field that considers how mental, emotional, and social factors influence money-related decisions. Traditional economic theory emphasizes rational thought as the basis for financial decision making.

In the beginning, researchers hosted an auction for a $20 bill, starting the bidding at $1. The twist was that after the highest bidder won the $20, the second highest bidder would need to pay his or her losing bid.

If the participants were thinking logically, they may not have bid at all, since anyone could end up being the second highest bidder. Ultimately, the winner paid $28 for the $20, meaning someone else had to fork over $27 for nothing.

Researchers concluded that social pressure fueled the process—meaning no one wanted to be the second-highest bidder, so they were willing to increase their financial risk in an attempt to minimize their losses.

Generally, I find economics about as interesting as dust collecting on a shelf, but emotional, socially driven decision making—now that intrigues me.

Have you ever stayed in a position you didn’t like because other people told you it was a great job—which made you fear “losing” a good opportunity, even though you didn’t really want it?

Have you ever considered buying something you couldn’t afford, and didn’t really want, solely because your friends bought one and you didn’t want to somehow miss out?

Have you ever swallowed an idea in a meeting because the group seemed to be going in a different direction—even though you felt strongly opposed to their approach?

Social pressure can dramatically impair our ability to both weigh our choices logically and follow our gut instincts. When we ignore what we believe is right and really want—underneath our desire to avoid loss and look good—we set ourselves up for internal conflict and pain.

We are emotional beings, and that isn’t a bad thing. Our intuition is a powerful tool that helps us utilize our experience and life lessons. But it’s up to us to recognize when our emotions are leading us toward smart choices—and when they’re guiding us to choose for the crowd to the detriment of our happiness.

No one else lives with our choices. It’s up to us to make them wisely.

Photo here

October 17, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: Being Self-Aware and Minimizing Drama

“Our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world as being able to remake ourselves.” -Gandhi

This past weekend, I took a break from writing at Starbucks to visit the nearby Fall Festival, which featured a petting zoo, face painting, and food samples.

This is one of my favorite events because it encompasses many things I love, including farm animals, giddy children, and food on toothpicks (yes, that’s in my list of favorite things).

Much to my excitement, I saw there was also a large makeover event set up in the vicinity. Since I had time, I decided to get in line—except there wasn’t one. It was more like a group of women positioned haphazardly in front of the two stylists.

So I asked one of the women, “Are you in line?”

Her response caught me off guard, because she snapped kind of defensively, “Yes. This is the line. Behind me—I’ve been waiting!”

Instinctively, I felt annoyed. I’d asked to be considerate, but I gathered it didn’t come across that way.

I realized then that I often feel angry when I have positive intentions that others don’t seem to receive as such; and I can easily get frustrated when I sense hostility that I feel I “don’t deserve.”

Sometimes, because of that, I take things personally that simply aren’t personal—and also aren’t a big deal.

While this was a brief encounter with little significance in the grand scheme of things, it got me thinking about the importance of self-awareness.

So often in life, we feel things that have little to do with what’s actually happening and everything to do with the stories we’re telling ourselves in our head—stories that involve assumption, blame, and defensiveness.

But we don’t have to fall victim to our instinctive emotional reactions. At any time, we can stop, assess what’s going on in our heads, and decide to respond a little more wisely based on what we know about ourselves.

Today if you feel yourself getting all worked up over something that isn’t a big deal, ask yourself, “What can I learn about myself that will help me going forward?”

Photo by Melissa Gray

October 16, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: See, Do, Explore, Learn

“When you’re curious, you find lots of interesting things to do.” -Walt Disney

One of my high school teachers once said that a truly intelligent person is never bored because there are always things to see, do, explore, and learn.

I’ve noticed that my creative process depends highly on my willingness to be curious. On a day when I feel as though I have nothing to share, it’s generally because I shut down in some way. I didn’t get out of my comfort zone, or out of my head, or maybe even out of my house.

When there’s no image to paint, or story to share, or lesson to offer, it’s a sign I disconnected from the day and myself. I didn’t engage with the world.

Now that doesn’t mean I always need to be doing something active or pushing myself in some way.

You can be completely still and yet fully involved in the world around you. Or you can be fully withdrawn and yet still present.

The point is to stay in the moment and let it somehow captivate you. The goal is to stay open, and interested, and enthralled—by yourself, by other people, by ideas, by the world.

There are inevitably going to be times when we retreat into ourselves, to regroup, to recharge, or to heal. There’s nothing wrong with that as long as we don’t dwell in that place.

The best things in life happen when we consent to participate. The biggest opportunities find us when we’re open to receiving them.

What does it mean to be open? It means heading into the day, prepared to answer these questions: What can I see? What can I do? What can I explore? What can I learn?

Photo by AlicePopkorn

October 13, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: If You Knew This Would Be Your Last Day

“Happiness consists of living each day as if it were the first day of your honeymoon and the last day of your vacation.” ~Leo Tolstoy

If you knew this would be your last day, would you waste time worrying about everything you might not finish on your to-do list?

Would you spend today dwelling on that minor disappointment?

Would you hold a grudge about that fight or misunderstanding?

Would you hesitate to tell the people you love just how much you care?

Would you be hard on yourself for your mistakes, imperfections, or struggles?

If you knew this would be your last day, would you make amends, or make a change, or make a point, or make a difference? Would you do something, or say something, that you’ve been waiting to do or say?

Would you look at something you always see with a new sense of appreciation?

Would you listen to people with a stronger focus, taking in every last word?

Would you say yes to what you really want and no to what you don’t?

Would you give yourself every opportunity to enjoy the people and things you love?

Take a deep breath, close your eyes, and then see this day anew. Wipe the slate clean. Take the pressure off. Put a smile on. Today is a new opportunity to be who you want to be and do what you want to do.

Photo by emdot

October 12, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: Seeing the Good in the Bad

“Instead of complaining that the rose bush is full of thorns, be happy the thorn bush has roses.” -Proverb

I once read that people who journal to identify lessons from painful situations generally move on more quickly and easily than people who write merely to vent their emotions.

In discovering opportunities for growth, we empower ourselves to see whatever we’ve been through as something that can be ultimately beneficial, even if it’s tremendously uncomfortable in the short-term.

It’s not always easy to do that, particularly because there are so many things that happen that we may never understand—and plenty of events that seem downright unfair.

Why do some people retain their health despite poor choices, while others wake up seriously ill one day with no reason or warning? Why do some people enjoy great fortune without having to expel much effort, while others struggle all their lives without ever enjoying rewards or stability?

When you look at the world through this lens, it’s easy to be bitter. We want there to be order—to know that if we’re good, good things will happen, and bad things won’t. But that’s just not a guarantee.

What is a guarantee is that we can always decide how to interpret what we see.

Over the past two years, countless readers have submitted posts for this site, many of them sharing stories about overcoming sickness and loss, among other personal challenges.

There’s nothing as inspiring as seeing the world through the eyes of someone who is determined to see something good.

After a blood vessel ruptured in Brian Webb’s brain, he couldn’t walk for months—but after running his first marathon he realized his injury taught him to appreciate life.

Brandy Harris renamed her Crohn’s Disease “Crohn’s Teacher,” and uses her feelings about her symptoms as fuel for writing and sketching.

Alexandra Heather Foss decided that there’s beauty in her scars—that her past struggles contributed to the strong, wise woman she is today.

Life is always going to contain a little darkness, but we get to decide whether or not we recognize and appreciate the light.

Photo by PrescottFoland

October 11, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: Saying Yes Because You Think You Should

“It is not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.” -Unknown

Have you ever felt a strong instinct to say no to something—but then said yes anyway? I did this a few months back, when someone contacted me on behalf of a bestselling self-help author, asking me to promote his book.

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I love sharing books that have made a difference in my life. And I generally choose which ones to feature based on a genuine desire to introduce them to you.

When this author’s marketing team contacted me this summer, asking if I’d help make his book a bestseller—without offering to send me a copy—I felt a strong resistance. It felt too much like a business arrangement to engender my earnest support.

Based on what I read about this writer online, I ascertained his book would be a valuable resource, so I agreed to share it—despite only receiving three chapters in a PDF.

As the time got closer, I recognized I wasn’t operating with complete integrity, and ultimately decided to renege. His team sent me a number of angry emails, letting me know the author is “the real deal” and that there was no one else on the planet like him, sharing what he’s learned.

When I recognized the high-pressure, fanatical tone, I instantly felt I’d made the right decision—not because there’s anything wrong with the book or the author, but because the circumstances themselves did not feel right for me.

Ironically, I’d done something I’ve written about before: I made a decision based on value attribution—meaning I assumed I should say yes solely because the author is established and renowned.

In a world where influence is king, we all need to be mindful of how and why we’re swayed if we hope to make decisions for ourselves, based on what we feel is right for us.

This is particularly pertinent when it comes to how we spend our money, as there will always be a groundbreaking new system, or a life-changing new course, often promoted by people we admire and trust.

That’s to not to say we shouldn’t support them and we wouldn’t benefit by doing it. It’s just that we’re best equipped to help ourselves when we say yes because we actually want to—not because we think we should.

Photo by jamiehladky

October 10, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: Enjoying How We Work

“If we are ever to enjoy life, now is the time, not tomorrow or next year.” -Thomas Dreier

Have you ever formed an insight about yourself that seems completely obvious in retrospect? I had one of those realizations not too long ago.

I woke up to the sound of raindrops dancing on my window pain. I’ve always said that I dislike the rain, because my mood often dims when the sky turns gray. But on this particular day, the rain seemed beautiful.

As I sat in my home office (read: the two feet behind my couch) writing and editing, the rain became a soothing companion, as well as a perfectly valid reason to not be outside.

On every other day, the Los Angeles sun calls to me, tempting me to abandon my laptop to enjoy the bright outdoors.

That day, without the distraction of gorgeous weather, I found myself far more productive than usual.

Right then I realized I always feel more satisfied with my work when I work with my preferences, not against them. And I prefer to be outside when it’s sunny. So I’ve now been making a conscious effort to write by hand in parks and outdoor cafes. Obviously I can’t do all my work this way—but what’s important is that I can do some.

I realize we all have different obligations and options, but for each of us, there are options. Some of them will work with our temperaments and likes, and others will engender internal resistance. Perhaps the key to loving what we do is not just enjoying the work itself, but to also paying attention to how we choose to do it.

That might mean putting fresh flowers on your desk because they make you happy. Or having a meeting over coffee because it gets you out of the office. Or keeping your iPod handy so you can work to your favorite music.

Life will inevitably involve a lot of things that we can’t control. Why not make the proactive choice to enjoy as much as we can?

Photo by 7ino

October 9, 2011
Giveaway and Interview: Cultivating Radiance by Tamara Gerlach
Note: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha to receive daily or weekly emails and learn about future giveaways!

The winners:
Have you ever wondered how authors live their messages—if writers who explore mindfulness are generally present and peaceful, or if others who research happiness are predominately upbeat and joyful?

This often goes through my mind when I read a book that inspires me. I didn’t have to wonder this as I read Cultivating Radiance: 5 Essential Elements for Holistic Self-Care. I’d recently met the book’s lovely author, Tamara Gerlach, who appears to glow from the inside out.

Owner of Encore Gymnastics, Dance, and Climbing, Tamara formerly served as a National Team Coach for USA gymnastics. Since 2001, she’s worked as a life and business coach, empowering people to change their lives and have fun doing it.

In her new book, Tamara offers a number of action-oriented suggestions for a positive attitude and a joyful life. With easily digestible chapters, each jam-packed with insight, Cultivating Radiance reminds us to nurture our inner beauty—and shows us how.

The Giveaway

To win one of 5 free autographed copies:
- Leave a comment on this post.
- Tweet: RT @tinybuddha Giveaway and Interview: Cultivating Radiance by Tamara Gerlach http://bit.ly/pNsJUf
You can enter until midnight PST on Tuesday, October 11^th. If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step. (more…)
October 9, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: Stumbling on Unexpected Joy

“Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.” ~Henri Nouwen

The other day I saw the movie Moneyball after originally deciding it wasn’t for me. I did the same thing with The Blind Side—I assumed I wouldn’t like it because I’m not a sports fan. I realized how wrong I was when I left the theater both laughing and crying (I’m emotionally ambidextrous).

I’ve done this many times before—made a snap judgment about whether or not I’d enjoy an experience based on assumptions and incomplete information. And not just when it comes to entertainment. I’ve bowed out of Indian food, country music concerts, and even hiking, all of which I’ve come to love, but not quickly or easily.

Oftentimes, the stronger my initial resistance, the more stubborn I am about admitting my resistance was unfounded.

Maybe you’ve been there before. A friend invites you to an art festival and you assume it’s not for you because you don’t generally enjoy museums. Or your sister invites you to a themed party and you choose not to go because you don’t love dressing up.

While we obviously can’t say yes to everything, and we have every right to honor our preferences, we often underestimate our potential for enjoyment.

Like the relationship that develops between two unlikely friends or the sun that peaks through the clouds in a sky that was supposed to be gray, unexpected joy is sometimes the most satisfying.

Say yes today—not to everything, and not to things you feel strongly opposed to doing, but to something you think you won’t like. Try that new restaurant, meet up with a new friend, or get up and sing karaoke. Do it assuming there will be something worth experiencing–something you’ll learn, enjoy, or gain.

Happiness has a way of finding us when we’re open to creating it.

Laughing Buddha image via Shutterstock

October 6, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: Worrying About Future Regrets

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow. It only saps today of its joy.” -Leo Buscaglia

A friend of mine got engaged this September. Previously, she and her fiance agreed that they both did not want children. But recently she’s been wondering about whether or not she’ll regret this some day–when she’s older and it’s no longer physically possible.

Mere nights before I discussed this with her, I read some discouraging research about the effects of parenting on happiness: Daniel Gilbert reports that “parenting makes most people about as happy as an act of housework.”

I suspect that’s not universally true, and I still want children. But part of me can’t help wondering how I’ll feel after I actually have them–if I’ll feel it was the right choice in the right time.

It’s instinctive to wonder how we’ll feel down the line–to some extent, it guides our decision-making process. But the reality is, no matter what choice we make, there will be pros and cons. And on some level, we will likely imagine how life might have been if we took a different path.

We have limitless choices in life, and every one is simultaneously a decision to do one thing and not do something else.

Choosing to be a home owner is choosing not to have the freedom of a month-to-month lease. Choosing to accept an exciting, demanding job is choosing to have less time to yourself than you may have had otherwise.

We can either stress about everything we might miss by following our instincts, or trust that we are making the right decisions based on our wants, values, and priorities.

Of course, this assumes we are able to hear and trust our instincts. It presupposes we’re willing to look within and then honor what we find.

Today if you find yourself worrying about the path you’re taking, remember: You made this choice for a reason. You can only enjoy it if you choose not to stress about it.

Photo by Cheryl.R

October 5, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: What It Means to Be Free
“Freedom is the will to be responsible to ourselves.” -Friedrich Nietzsche
- When you choose to forgive instead of seeing the world through bitter eyes, you are free.
- When learn from your mistakes instead of letting them define or cripple you, you are free.
- When you love yourself regardless of what other people think, you are free.
- When you accept uncertainty instead of stressing about what you don’t know, you are free.
- When you embrace chaos, instead of struggling for control, you are free.
- When you recognize that we are all imperfect, and then resist the urge to fight that, you are free.
- When you choose to appreciate what you have instead of lamenting what you’ve lost, you are free.
- When you plant yourself in this moment, and do what you can to make the most of it, you are free.
Photo by usadifranci.

Visit the Tiny Buddha Facebook page to read 140+ definitions for freedom.
October 4, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: The Triggers That Lead to Pain

“The world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming it.” -Helen Keller

There’s a child wailing five feet away from where I’m sitting in the Farmer’s Market at The Grove. This is my least favorite sound in the world, and I often tear up when I hear it.

While I realize children often cry for reasons that have nothing to do with danger, I associate hysterics with fear and powerlessness, and it makes me want to do something. Since I generally can’t, it manifests in my body as anxiety–a fight or flight response with no outlet.

I’ve had full-on panic attacks when confronted with a hysterical child. It’s an emotional trigger–and a strong one.

We all have these triggers, though some of us don’t have such overpowering reactions. Maybe you lost someone you love on a rainy day, so you feel angry when the clouds turn gray. Or maybe you sustained a serious injury at the beach, so the sound of the ocean makes you feel ill.

These associations can be limiting, and sometimes downright paralyzing. They can cause physical and mental sensations that are completely unrelated to our present circumstances. In short, they divorce us from the present and thrust us into a painful past.

There are times when we need professional help to fully release traumatic associations. But other times we only need a modicum of self-awareness and a willingness to breathe and let go.

The past is over. What happened, happened. Today is a new day, and freedom comes from seeing it with new eyes. It comes from recognizing what’s going on in our minds, and then choosing to release those thoughts and feelings. We all deserve to feel peaceful, but no one else can do it for us.

Today if you get lost in a trigger that thrusts you to a painful event, take a deep breath and remember: we can’t change that we’ve hurt before, be we can choose not to suffer now.

Photo by ZeePack

October 3, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: Keeping Your Heart Open

“A person’s world is only as big as their heart.” -Tanya A. Moore

Last week, I wrote about John Robbins, who presented at Bonfire Heights. He and his son Ocean shared a number of stores about loving fully and unconditionally. Sitting in the audience at their presentation felt like participating in a massive, 45-minute group hug. They were just that openhearted–and the audience that receptive.

This got me thinking about my capacity for vulnerability. Though I write a lot about the benefits of being open, I’ve noticed I have a limit, so to speak–a point at which I inevitably shut down a little.

For example, if I’ve spent an afternoon baring my soul to someone or a group of people, I retreat into myself afterward, almost as if to regenerate after giving away so much of myself.

I’ve learned it’s healthy to spend time alone and turn within. But as a former hermit, I try to recognize patterns that lead me to shut people out, as this can create walls where they would otherwise be opportunities to give and receive love.

I suspect we all shut down from to time, particularly when we feel emotionally raw and exposed. But the minute we close ourselves off from other people may be two minutes before a life-changing connection or experience.

So I propose a challenge, for me and for you: keep your heart open a little longer than you’re tempted to today. Stay accessible, for even just a few minutes more than you ordinarily would. Keep engaging, even if you’ve shared a lot. Keep listening, even if you’ve heard a lot. Let yourself linger in that vulnerably open place.

Sometimes we learn and gain the most from the moments that are the most uncomfortable.

Photo by angrylambie1

October 2, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: The Benefits of Slow Progress

“It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward.” ~Proverb

Sometimes it can be challenging to operate with complete integrity in business—particularly because bigger and faster can be seductive.

Case in point: I have a strong aversion to many traditional marketing methods, as I find much of it to be psychologically manipulative.

I feel it’s wrong to sell people things by playing to their deepest fears and insecurities, and implying my book or product will be the magic bullet they’ve been waiting for all their lives.

I also feel uncomfortable with the idea of personal branding, since a brand is an idea or image of a product or service, and human beings are neither of those things. We may sell products or offer services, but we are not commodities—even if consumers often buy based on who is selling to them.

But statistically, products and books presented as ultimate solutions, by individuals with polished personas generally sell better.

Now you might not hold the exact same perspective as I do, but you likely have your own set of beliefs and values that inform the decisions you make professionally—and they may occasionally hinder your progress.

When we act in complete integrity, we often end up advancing at a slower pace.

I remember when I was 23, knee-deep in a corrupt multi-level marketing company, oblivious to my team’s unethical practices. Everything changed the day I heard our leader suggest we look for “ignorance on fire”—new recruits who never questioned, but merely plowed straight ahead on the path of most profitability.

Thinking and questioning can slow progress—but maybe slow progress is exactly what we need. Slow progress allows us to adapt as necessary, learn at each step of the journey, and ensure that we’re honoring our ideals and actual desires, instead of pushing ourselves blindly in the pursuit of success.

I realize this idea isn’t universally applicable. When it comes to advancements that save lives, I absolutely support rapid progress. They couldn’t possibly come out with cures for cancer fast enough.

But when it comes to our own personal goals and ambitions, sometimes the most satisfying results come from a slow but steady journey with unwavering commitment to what we believe is right.

Photo by Akuppa

September 29, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: Stop Thinking and Get Moving

“Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it” -David Starr Jordan

Have you ever felt so frustrated with your inability to do something that you committed to doing nothing else until you figured it out?

I have done this many times before.

I’ve confined myself to a chair, trying to force inspiration to form into written words when it just wasn’t happening. I have sat around intellectualizing about which decision I should make—as if the act of thinking really hard for hours on end would somehow make it easier to accept that the future is uncertain, and nothing is guaranteed.

Essentially, I’ve many times chosen to put pressure on myself to do something really well, and effectively ended up doing nothing. Now, by “doing nothing,” I’m not talking about meditating to find clarity in stillness and silence. I’m talking about doing nothing physically, while exhausting myself mentally.

Perhaps you can relate. Maybe you’ve also pushed yourself because you felt impatient with your process, creative or otherwise. Or maybe you’ve felt so paralyzed by things you can’t control that you’ve sat around trying to think your way around them.

There’s nothing wrong with using our capacity for reasoning—in fact, it’s a smart plan, on the whole. But generally, we form our best insights and strongest ideas when we release the mental pressure and engage ourselves in the world, in mind and body.

I know I generally feel most inspired when I actively choose to get out of my head and let ideas come to me, as a natural byproduct of connecting with the world—whether that means hiking, practicing yoga, or simply being with friends.

I have found that for every wise saying, there is an opposite one that is equally true. Sometimes we need to let go; sometimes we need to hold on. Sometimes we need to be patient; sometimes we need to push forward. Sometimes we need to be still; sometimes we need to get moving.

Wisdom is recognizing which is true for us individually in each moment.

Is it time for you to get moving?

Photo by Atsuhiko Tagagi

September 28, 2011
Giveaway and Interview: Uncertainty by Jonathan Fields
Editor’s Note: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. They are:
Several years ago, when I lived in New York City, I developed a love for yoga that started in a studio previously owned by Jonathan Fields. I didn’t know it then, but I would eventually look to Jonathan as a role model, mentor, and friend.

Author of Career Renegade: How to Make a Great Living Doing What You Love, Jonathan Fields is (in his own words) a dad, husband, New Yorker, author and speaker, serial wellness-industry entrepreneur, recovering S.E.C./mega-firm hedge-fund lawyer, slightly-warped, unusually-stretchy, spiritually-inclined, obsessed with creation, marketing and innovation consultant, venture partner and book-marketing educator.

In his new book Uncertainty: Turning Fear and Doubt into Fuel for Brilliance, Jonathan helps readers leverage fear and uncertainty for creation and innovation. If you’ve ever felt frustrated, overwhelmed, or paralyzed by risk or the potential for failure, this book is for you.

The Giveaway

To win one of three free autographed copies:
- Leave a comment on this post.
- Tweet: RT @tinybuddha Giveaway and Interview: Uncertainty by Jonathan Fields http://bit.ly/qMrfQy
You can enter until midnight PST on Sunday, October 2^nd. If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step. (more…)
September 28, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: Choose to Be a Hero

“A hero is a man who does what he can.” -Romain Rolland

Two weeks ago, a group of brave bystanders in Utah banded together to lift a burning car and save a man trapped beneath it.

In 2009, a passenger on Northwest Flight 253 leapt onto a burning man to prevent him from detonating an explosive device on Christmas Day.

Four years ago, a 50-year old man threw himself onto the subway tracks in Manhattan, just as a train was arriving, to save a man who had fallen after having a seizure.

These men and women all had one thing in common: they were ordinary people, just like you and me, and they decided in an instant to do something heroic.

According to renowned psychologist Dr. Phil Zimbardo, famous for his Stanford prison experiment, we can all be heroes—and it doesn’t require us to put our lives at risk.

Dr. Zimbardo has dedicated his career to studying the darker side of human nature to understand what causes some people to act kindly and others to act cruelly. His research has revealed that we all have the potential for good and bad, and it’s largely influenced by our situations.

So what exactly makes a hero? Simply put, a hero is someone who chooses not to watch and wait in the face of a crisis.

A hero puts compassion into action by helping someone in need—whether it’s a friend or a stranger.

A hero decides to speak out against injustice, instead of assuming someone else will do it.

A hero supports the causes that matter to him or her, without expecting reward.

It’s easy to feel powerless when it comes to righting the biggest wrongs in our world. But stronger than our fear that we can’t make a difference is our instinct to try.

Today I commit to doing what I can—being there for those who need me, standing up for what I believe in, and choosing not to ignore my instincts when I feel that something isn’t right.

How will you be a hero?

Photo by merick.fightBoredom

September 27, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: Less Pain, More Love

“The most important thing in this world is to learn to give out love, and let it come in.” -Morrie Schwartz

There are some people we feel we’ll never understand. They make choices we’d never make, they don’t understand why we do what we do, and they don’t give us what we need in our relationships with them.

Vegetarian author and advocate John Robbins had a man like that in his life. That man was his father, and the thing he didn’t know to give was love.

I saw John speak this weekend at Bonfire Heights, the retreat I mentioned yesterday. His father, Irv Robbins, co-founded the ice cream company Baskin Robbins, and lived a life dominated by the pursuit of more.

Irv believed children should be seen but not heard, and fathered with an authoritarian coldness. In fact, years later, after Irv held his autistic grandson—the first time he ever held a child—he asked John, “Do you think all children need love, or just those kind?”

John could have unleashed a lifetime of bitterness for a childhood without warmth and affection. But instead he saw his father for who he was in that moment—an old man from a different time, who was open to learning a different way.

Years later, when Irv was on his death bed, John repeatedly kissed his forehead as morphine dulled his final pain. Irv asked John why he did that, and he responded, “Because I’m showing my love.”

Irv responded, “That’s been important to you, huh?” Followed by, “Less pain!”

To which John responded, “More love.”

Then Irv said, “Less pain!”

To which John responded, “More love.”

When John kissed his forehead one more time, Irv released and fully accepted it, even saying, “That felt good.”

John said, “Less pain?” The last words he ever heard his father say were “More love.”

Sometimes the people who need our love the most are the ones we may feel deserve it the least. We can make that judgment and stay bitter—or we can actively contribute to making the world a more loving place. Less pain, more love.

Photo by Mara Earth Light

September 26, 2011