Author: Lori Deschene

This month we’re celebrating the upcoming launch of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

Throughout September, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

Today’s featured contributor is Alexandra Heather Foss. A freelance writer who has overcome countless difficulties—from childhood trauma to health issues—she values both her tears and smiles, because both have made her who she is.

In her contribution for the book, she shares why she sees beauty in her scars, and how we can learn to value ourselves not in spite of our pain, but because of it.

A little more about Alexandra…

1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

Perhaps not during early childhood but certainly for the majority of my life self-love has been one of my greatest struggles. Lists full of flaws and insecurities about myself, these are easy to fill, but to have reverence for who I am is a challenge.

I get there sometimes and then I regress, and this cycle continues season after season. That said, I would not choose another path, not even if it were easier, for I own my journey.

It is the cycles up and down that have taught me about balance, beauty, even breath. When I breathe in, I see an artist, someone who loves the luscious curves of letters and the words they form. I see a creative spark that is untamed by the most torturous traumas, I see potential, excitement, lyricism, adventure.

I am someone who has never given up on myself. I am my most loyal companion, a plucky island lover who smiles up at the moon and washes away persistent tears with seawater.

These are my soul trophies, the shining glories that make me believe I am as worthy of love as any other, especially from myself. And I am grateful for the perilous moments when self-love has been absent, for the lack afforded me contrast, the ability to see that I am as beautiful as I can at times be ugly.

2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

Of course I have, for most my life actually. I think because of the traumas I have known, I adopted at a very early age the false belief that I must have deserved pain on some fundamental level, that there was something fundamentally wrong with me.

I felt corrupted and I could not believe that it was the sole result of abuse. That seemed like a convenient excuse for something deeper, but therein was the lie. I can tend to wrong just like I can tend to right, as is true for us all I believe, but I am not wrong just for being alive.

My perception has changed simply because I have devoted myself to self-work. I spend time—in the tub, at the market, when I am writing, sleeping, talking, traveling—trying to better understand my motivations and quite simply the puzzle that is me.

The larger goal was to understand others, or at least that is what started me down this journey, probably around the time I knew first real pain, but now the quest is of a far more spiritual, and certainly personal nature.

With every question I ask of myself, or others ask of me, I have to go a little deeper, and the more I learn the more I know I may be wrong sometimes, but I am not wrong.

3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

Yes, many times with many flaws, but what feels most relevant to this question will seem strange in that it is certainly not by definition a flaw. Over half my life I believed I was flawed because I was a woman. There was a lot of sexism where I grew up and I felt my femininity was fundamentally flawed.

It has taken a lot of work to accept the divine feminine within me, to see my emotions as strengths, to believe without doubt that I am not part of an inferior group of people, deserving of objectification and disrespect.

Through my writing especially, my readers of various genders have showed their appreciation, seeing the beauty in something I never should have believed was a flaw but sadly did, and I am so grateful.

4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

In an effort to fit in during childhood I lied one night to be with the popular kids. There were these woods where kids used to hang out and I traversed them, by myself, to for once feel as if I were normal.

That night turned into one of the worst in my life. It was the night my innocence was taken from me, when my soul retracted so far inwards I thought I would never recover it, and I have been trying to forgive myself that foolish decision, the decision to abandon myself for the acceptance of others, ever since.

5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

…feel insecure and vulnerable, and often I hurt myself in an effort to understand.

6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

I compare myself all the time to others—with looks, career decisions and achievements, with life choices. I cannot say I have yet let go of comparison, but I am most certainly working on it.

I know I would not want the life of anyone other than myself but that does not mean when I think about a celebrity I admire, or someone I once knew, I am devoid of fear, worry, or judgment.

I think comparison can be healthy, in that it can help us learn more about how we truly feel when we measure ourselves against others, noticing how we respond after trying on a certain life path, even just via daydream, but it can also be dangerous.

Whenever something threatens us to lose ourselves, we have to be especially careful. The way I redirect when I get into a toxic comparative session, whether it be on a social media site or after a fight, is to try and think about something I love about myself.

So if I feel like I am paralyzed compared to someone I consider mobile, let’s say with career, I go rollerblading, charging myself from the inside with positive energy, and I feel a little less stuck.

7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

Good question! I would very gently shake myself out of that philosophy. So much time I wasted feeling like I am not good enough as I am, that I need, the way I need water or air, someone else to integrate all the pieces, to make me feel valuable and complete.

I may not have been born perfect, and I do love the company of others, especially those I am closest with, but I was born complete—completely me, and that is a beautiful thing.

8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

Yes! All the time! Because there are all these “flaws” I see in myself, things I think others will not like if they really knew me. For instance, I can be bossy, and picky, I have lots of psychic and physical wounds that are not especially attractive, I do not laugh nearly enough, or they can be “flaws” others have expressed about me.

I had one boyfriend who hated my knees, another my feet, hundreds of people throughout the years have criticized my career path, and refusal to conform; even the fact that I am a woman has been a problem for many.

I struggle expressing my honest self because the society I have known has discouraged my honesty, it decidedly unwelcome.

Someone asks how I am, and I say “sad,” and they squirm in their seat, sloughing off some remark about the weather to change the subject, so I have had to decide whether to lie and say “fine” when I’m not, or only share the company of those who actually want to know, even if the truth is unpleasant.

It can be lonely and confusing, feeling like who I am really is not preferable to who others wish me to be, but I’ve spent too much time lying to avoid judgment. I am still working on it but I think realizing that people are going to judge one way or another helps me to accept and project more honestly my “real” self.

9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

• Treat myself as I do my closest loved ones (have empathy for myself)
• Spend more time in silent solitude
• Honor the things I love most—travel, nature, creativity…

10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

My writing makes me feel proud. Hearing from others the impact my words have had on them, it lifts my spirit. I can only hope this feeling continues always.

*Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

This month we’re celebrating the impending launch of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

Throughout September, you’ll have chance to meet some of the book’s contributors through daily interviews here on the blog.

Today’s featured contributor is Madison Sonnier, who has overcome obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression, and now strives to help others through her writing.

In her contribution for the book, she offers a few tips to believe in our worth and ourselves and find the right path for us.

A little more about Madison… 

1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

My self-love journey is constant. I’m still learning, growing, and becoming. I struggle with self-love sometimes, but I am adamant about learning to be nicer to myself on a day-to-day basis.

2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

Absolutely. I would describe myself as a very unorthodox person. I don’t really live by “rules” and traditional standards. I’m also quite simply a bit strange, although I say that with love.

I’m self-employed, extremely frugal, and have no idea what I’m doing half the time. I didn’t go to college. I don’t socialize much. I live my life at a slower pace than most people I know. I’m uncharacteristically anxious a lot of the time. I have weird habits such as frolicking around my kitchen and carrying on conversations with myself in my head…The list goes on.

Because of all the things that made me different from my family and friends, I felt like a black sheep or an ugly duckling. But I’ve slowly learned over the years that what makes you different is a gift, not a curse.

3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

I used to think not having much to say was a flaw, but I think some people appreciate that I’m thoughtful and a good listener. I’m not always on the edge of my seat waiting to blurt out my two cents in the middle of a conversation.

4. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

…I become very anxious and hurt before eventually remembering that what other people think of me is none of my business anyway. 

5. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

I most often compare my progression in life to other people’s. I also compare my reserved personality and my tendency to become incredibly anxious to other people’s outgoing personalities and fearlessness.

I tell myself that I should be less anxious, more outgoing, at a different level of growth, etc. I have a habit of looking down on the areas of my life that are less ideal and less celebrated.

I constantly have to remind myself that beating myself up never leads to positive growth. We’re all unique human beings, and we all progress at our own rate. When we accept who we are and are patient with ourselves, life inevitably unfolds exactly as it should.

It helps to remind myself that there is nothing wrong with me and that I’m where I need to be at this moment in time. No two journeys are the same.        

6. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you? 

One of the biggest things I’ve come to learn over the years is that other people cannot give you what you’re not giving yourself. It will never feel like enough, and you will feel perpetually frustrated and confused about that.

When other people tell me they’re proud of me or that I did a good job on something, I have a hard time believing them unless I feel proud of myself and truly believe that I did a good job.

When other people tell me I’m lovable, I have a hard time believing them unless I view myself as lovable in that particular moment.

I’ve learned that other people cannot complete the parts of me that I’m not actively completing on my own. No one can fill your inner void except you.

7. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good care of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

• I need to write. Writing gives me a creative and emotional outlet, and I do it every day.
• I also need an adequate amount of solitude because I function better when I have alone time.
• And lastly, I think spending time with my dogs or simply spending time with people who make me feel happy and good about myself is essential to my well-being.

8. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

Whenever I consider what kind of good I’m doing in the world, I always think of my writing and how many people have been positively affected by it. Even if I hand out inspiration in smaller doses, I feel like I’m making some kind of difference.

Writing gives me a voice and an opportunity to let other people know that they’re not alone.

*Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

This month we’re celebrating the upcoming launch of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

Throughout September, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

Today’s featured contributor is Cat Li Stevenson, an avid meditator, a blogger for Think Simple Now, and a Sponsorship Coordinator for the Wisdom 2.0 Conference.

In her contribution for the book, she explores what it really means to take care of ourselves—not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

A little more about Cat…

1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

I’ve been in a major shift since June 2012. Well, the inner journey began years before that, but since last year I’ve been making external life changes—like quitting my corporate job, giving away most of my material goods, moving to SF to live in an urban Zen practice center, and working on inspiring events with Wisdom 2.0.

My self-love (aka soul-searching, self-compassion) journey has included a massive simplifying and stripping down to see the wholeness that’s been buried. I spent the past decade consumed with busyness in chasing things outside of myself—exerting (an exhausting and unsustainable) effort to keep up with things that I thought would make me happy.

That guiding force has been a desire to live in a way that would fit into an externally recognized, achievement-based life.

I’m unlearning and re-learning what it means to live from an organic, more fulfilling, human place—how to be where I am, pay attention to what authentic happiness means for me—and ultimately take care of this “one wild and precious life.”

2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

Umm, yea. I think these roots began growing up in a mostly Caucasian neighborhood, and being a Chinese American. As the first generation living in the states, I felt like I straddled two worlds—that of being Chinese, that of being American—and I didn’t really find a place where I fit in (within some pre-conceived box I’d created and labeled as “belonging” on either side).

This thinking pattern still finds its way into my adulthood. Like, today I was at a meeting and didn’t feel warmth from one of the people in the room. And this ignited a familiar, perpetual story of not being good enough at what I was doing, and a sense of not belonging.

When I’m aware of these feelings, I try to give my inner realm some space instead of fighting with my own emotions and adding more tension to what’s already there—giving spaciousness to be curious and notice what’s happening mentally, emotionally, and in my body.

I stay right there with that feeling, and drop the mental chatter, usually a habitual story of self-judgment. I identify with where that feeling is in my body, and remember that feeling isn’t actually me. It’s a momentary feeling that comes, and then diminishes.

Though it seems counterintuitive, actually leaning into the feelings of not belonging has helped me move through it.

3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

I’ve always been into many things that don’t usually co-exist together. I love hip-hop and electronica, and also classical and kirtan. I enjoy bowing, chanting, praying—and have also been into Sex In The City lately.

It used to frustrate me that I couldn’t fit into this one “either/or” box of some sort, and that felt like a flaw. Now, I’m noticing that this dynamic range—this idea of “and”—is okay. Having a love of various things has also gifted me opportunities to connect and harmonize with all sorts of interesting people.

4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

My biggest mistake, I don’t know if I’d phrase it as that. But perhaps my biggest lesson is what I share in my post for the book—that of being so caught up in busyness and “pushing” through my life, not listening to my body or attuning to my intuition.

What’s allowed me to forgive myself is knowing that this remarkable journey I’m on now likely wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t experienced that stage in my life.

5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

…try to practice with Don Miguel’s words.

The habitual reaction when I sense someone doesn’t like me or “get me” is to fall into that same lengthy story of self-judgment. The work comes in remembering his advice from the Four Agreements: “Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say or do is a projection of their own reality.”

6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

I find it easy to get caught up in thinking everyone else’s life is less challenging than mine. Especially with social media when we get to pick and choose what we display to the world, most of us choose to share that which is only on the surface. And that can both be beautiful and can create an illusion.

I compare myself to people who might be living an outward life that appears to be flawless. You know, the perfect body, the perfect vacation, the perfect partner, the perfect job, the perfect family—the perfect everything (from my limited perspective)!

When my comparing mind kicks in, I remember to practice gratitude for my life. I also remember that none of us are exempt from this full range of human experience. None of us are immune to hardship and challenges, no matter how perfectly crafted a life may appear. And we’re really not so different, regardless of what we may “think.”

7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

This entire journey we’re on is really an inside job. This statement is so redundant that I likely would have rolled my eyes at anyone who tried to give me this advice when I was younger!

Though, I’m noticing, it’s really true.

The quickest way to unhappiness is looking outside of ourselves. It’s like traveling with a blindfold on with no idea of where we’re headed and why, then getting directions from other people.

This parallels other pursuits, like finding a partner that you think will make you happy or going after a goal for recognition, or wanting a car that you may feel prestigious in, or an outfit that makes you feel good.

These things are all fine to want, to have—though, in my experience, no matter how much abundance and happiness we think may exist outside of ourselves, if we are not attuned to the inside we’ll always return to a baseline of dissatisfaction. I know this experience of feeling restlessness and being insatiable firsthand.

The moment I began the (both challenging and liberating) work on myself through meditation, yoga, contemplation, and community support of good friends and teachers, I began to feel more complete within.

8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

When I’m afraid to show my real self, it’s usually because there’s an inner judge that is telling me how I should be. Inner Judging Cat says that I’d be more lovable if I were smarter, fitter, kinder, and a more patient friend and partner—and that my worth is earned, hinging on some level of self-improvement.

I think the world of constant improvement and productivity can be so pervasive that this moment and who we are now doesn’t seem like enough.

It reminds me of what a friend once said: “My practice is just to keep coming back to myself. To not fixate on who I want to be so much that I miss out on who I already am.”

I have a strong hunch that self-acceptance may be a large part of the self-love journey.

9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good care of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

• Sleep
• Meditation
• Being active/outdoors with friends

10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

Taking the time to work on myself and grow with a daily meditation practice with a community of practitioners.

I think that transformation in the world begins with each individual. And the more each of us pay attention in our own lives, the more we will begin to show up wholeheartedly in other areas of life—from the interaction at the local café or grocery store to our job, family, friends, and then rippling into the larger community.

I feel like that this work on self, returning to a place of wholeness and self-compassion, is the greatest difference each of us can make. Like what Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

*Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.