“When you have to make a choice and don’t make it, that is in itself a choice.” -William James
“I don’t know—what do you think?”
Recently I find myself asking this when my boyfriend asks what I want to do—what movie I want to see, where I want to eat, or how I’d like to spend an off-day.
At first I thought this was just a residual people-pleasing tendency from a time when I measured my worth in approval. But when I look at this more closely, I realize it’s actually about relinquishing the tiny decisions, since inevitably there are lots of large ones that I simply have to make.
Every day we make countless choices that affect our lives in major ways. Do we stay with a job or take a risk and follow our dreams? Do we tell someone how we feel, or do we wait for a better time?
Then there are the decisions we make by making no choice at all—when we remain in a relationship that we really want to end, or we stay in a location even though our heart’s pulling us somewhere else.
Life is a constant stream of choices. That can be overwhelming and sometimes downright exhausting—if we put pressure on every decision, in fear of doing the wrong thing, or making a choice and then somehow missing out because of it.
These big life choices may seem completely divorced from the tiny decisions we make about how we spend our time, but it all comes down to the same question: Do we want to take responsibility for now?
We’re the only ones who can identify what we want and then do something about it, whether it’s what we do with our evenings, what we do with our vacations, or even what we do with our lives.
We can see this as something stressful, and wait it out, hoping someone or something else will tell us what’s the best course of action. Or we can tune into what we want in any given moment, knowing that no matter how things turn out, we will be happy for finding the strength to follow our instincts and choose.
Photo by David Offf
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
is it me or do women do this a LOT more than men? most of my friends drive me NUTS because they are so ambivalent about what we do, where we go, etc. – and while being open is one thing, claiming to not care or rely on others to make the decision, well those can actually be passive aggressive, and like you said, a Choice. amen for calling this out!
Years ago I entered a counseling program as a student. The first thing I learned and never forgot was that not making a choice was a choice in itself. I was truly astonished with this little nugget of wisdom. It is completely true.
If you are a person of chossing or not choosing, you are fare away of the buddhahood
“If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice”
Freewill – Rush
Moving Pictures (1980 something)
I can relate with all that is being said I am staying because I feel like I made a commitment but part of me does not want to be here anymore and does not have to do with love of a person even though things have reached a point that love is not enough. I am not myself where I am now I do not feel at home I am constantly sacrificing my peace and happiness for everyone else and I am truly tired of it. I need to be realistic and be truthful to myself and others and start living life for myself, I am only lying to myself and in the end I am the one gets hurt.
Hi Alex,
I’m glad you’ve decided not to sacrifice your peace and happiness. I know it’s never easy to walk away from something that doesn’t feel right, but just knowing that really is a wonderful start. I’m sending love and good thoughts your way as you make this big change in your life!
Lori
not choosing is a choice when there are at least two possible choices to choose from. Not choosing isn’t a choice when there are absolutely no alternatives, behind the thought. Buddha said to a student: Stop desiring (making the choice to desire). The student went on and tried to stop the desiring. Then he came back to Buddha and asked, I found out that I desired to stop desiring. Buddha said; you are not far from the truth.
choicelessness is not a choice, it is very nature of our being.