“You validate people’s lives by your attention.” -Unknown
For as long as I can remember, wanting attention has seemed like a shameful thing.
“She’s only doing that for attention.” “He’s only telling that sob story for attention.” “She only volunteered to help for attention.”
Have you ever said or heard something like this? I know I have. Many times throughout my life, I’ve analyzed people’s words and actions and essentially judged whether or not their intention was to hoist themselves into the spotlight.
Every time I’ve done this, somewhere inside me I’ve thought, “It’s bad to be desperate for attention.” And somewhere underneath that, “I hate that I’ve been desperate for attention.”
Call it second child syndrome, but I came out of the womb screaming, “Look at me!” And then “What are you looking at?”
That’s the thing about insecurity—you simultaneously crave an audience and fear what they might be thinking.
I have a healthier sense of self these days, but I can still be triggered by (what I might believe is) attention seeking behavior—and it’s generally because I’m subconsciously judging many of my former choices.
Not everyone acts out to gain approval, but no matter how you slice it, the desire for attention is a call for love. What would happen if we started seeing it that way, instead of turning attention into a four letter word?
I’m not talking about enabling people when they’re doing dangerous things, or condoning disrespectful, inconsiderate choices.
I’m talking about shifting our perceptions so that we’re less apt to judge and more likely to understand. That doesn’t mean we need to be pulled into drama. It just means we look a little below the surface to empathize before responding–and in this way, we’re better able to recognize when attention seeking is actually a cry for help.
We all look for validation every now and then. We’re all people who want attention. And we can all choose to be compassionate when we see a call for love instead of judging the need.
Photo by sarniebill
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Hi Lori,
Once decades ago when I had to get help to stop drinking, somebody in an AA meeting said “We’re egotists with an inferiority complex.” After reading your post today that comment a meeting long ago came to mind. I guess it’s still true to a degree, but that ego can be taught new ways of learning things, and has the ability to see what serves it and others well and what doesn’t.
Sal
Well said! 🙂
“The desire for attention is a call for love.” beautifully put, Lori. I love this.
Compassion, compassion, compassion. 🙂
love to read your work! Always inspiring.
Thanks so much. I’m glad you enjoy it. =)
Indeed! Compassion makes the world a better place.
The only people I dislike are those who DEMAND attention but are empty, rude and selfish; insecure but kind people deserve special attention, as does anyone who is respectful and aims for pleasant reciprocity.
Funnily enough one of my jobs is teaching drama and making plays to children who often have behaviour problems and severe needs. Talk about attention seeking! And when they are that age it is so clear it is a call for love. These are difficult kids- most of the drama happens off the stage – but I have found practicing compassion has helped immeasurably – I am not sucked into, and left unhappy by the drama and can approach it all with a degree of calm – and I hope they benefit from the interacting and teaching as a result.
How wonderful that you’re able to help children who are struggling in this way. I’m sure it’s very rewarding career–and I’m also sure they benefit!
Thank you!
Lori, Indeed compassion is important when dealing with those who continually seek attention and approval. It’s behavior that can be so irritating. I can also appreciate how you pointed out the need for not enabling them either.
Hard line to follow is being compassionate and honest.
I think it all comes down to balance–and maintaining both boundaries and compassion. Sometimes it’s far more easily said than done, but it’s something to work toward!
Lori, I KNEW I was forgetting the pinnacle part of my comment…you’re right. BALANCE is the key.
I help others in need as they cross my path, I reach out to those who are in need or correct people who are saying hurtful things about others (in your opinion), even share info someone requests even it it comes to me via 6 degrees, it only takes a moment of my time … I do it NOT for attention, kudos, awards OR to be a hero! Too many people filter out, interpret, or pretend to not see others needs so they don’t have to help. Just this week a young teen is fighting a rare form of Cancer, her church is praying for her, but I know of a doctor that has had success curing many types of CA so I recommended him. I was told by a relative: Well she really doesn’t know that family in her church; she doubts the family would travel from AZ to TX for treatment; she couldn’t recommend a Dr. she doesn’t know (nor did she research his website) … she would rather just pray!
Maybe I am rare, I live my life with eyes open and if part of that day I am presented with someone who needs help I help!
That’s a wonderful way to be. The world is a better place when we all look out for each other. =)
i like this. made me think. sometimes i find my self disliking some drama queen or drama king i just somehow get reminded of something i did along the same lines and since we are all one, i have to laugh and forgive myself and what follows is forgiveness of the other me i am looking at. that happens alot-my being reminded of whatever behavior that is presented to me in another person (me)
I love what you wrote–“what follows is forgiveness of the other me.” Beautiful!
I think having compassion for why someone is demanding attention is good. That doesn’t mean, however, that we need to engage them or give them the attention they seek when they act in ways that aren’t conducive to positive communications. Giving them attention is rewarding their behavior. And, honestly, some people want our attention because they want free lessons or free advice and those of us who work as professional educators and psychologists really don’t want to spend our free time doling out free information that we worked hard and paid lots to learn. You have to watch for that, definitely, and choose who you spend your time with and energy on very wisely!
I understand what you mean Akasha–that sometimes feeding into the call for attention enables unhealthy behaviors. I think perhaps when people want free lessons or advice it’s simply because they need help and don’t know where else to turn, not because they’re consciously trying to take advantage of others who make their livelihood off of helping people. I suppose it all comes down to balance so that we show compassion for ourselves while also offering it to others.
Hi Lori. Yes, I agree. Sometimes they are desperate and have no idea where to start looking. At the same time, since I have so many people coming at me all the time (this is no joke — I’ve literally had them run down the street after me trying to get this type of help from me), I do get quite irritated with it, especially since, in a world of millions of people and in the information age, you can easily hop online, do a quick search and find someone somewhere who would be quite willing to help you out for free. I feel I have to have the same conversation over and over …. and it’s wearing. Having compassion for myself means not engaging in draining conversations and situations. I’m thinking of typing up a brochure that directs them to my website and just handing it to them whenever this situation comes up … and then leaving before the “yes, buts” start … because they always do! “Yes, but I don’t have the money.” “Yes, but I just have a quick question and it’s so easy for YOU to answer.” “Yes, but I just need to know which websites have the best information on them.” And more!
I’m sure that gets somewhat overwhelming! You must be wonderful at what you do. =)
Thanks and thanks for your comments. I’m an empath, so I even sometimes get strangers who come up randomly and want my help. It gets to be a bit much at times!
Hi lori, I am a foster parent with a 9 year old child who lives and breathes attention! Mentally I can understand this and empathise but emotionally find it sooooo difficult. I sometimes feel like a terrible person for not edulging her need and struggle with the balance of offering her security and encouraging behaviour which I worry will not serve her well in life.
I also realise that I am triggered by this attention seeking behaviour as I have often resorted to it in the past.
I am always looking for some insight and guidance in this regard. I would welcome any suggestions on how to not feel a negivite reaction to this behaviour.
Hi Akasha. I completely understand what you explained and I was in somehow similar situation, although in an entirely different setting. I believe, excessive attention demanding is a behavioral disease, which needs to be addressed. Therefore, we should think about a technique to cure these people, so we treat the cause from the root. I agree with Lori that we need to change our perception, however, in my opinion, that’s just a temporary technique for us to not letting these types of behavior get in to us.
Hi Akasha. I completely understand what you explained and I was in somehow similar situation, although in an entirely different setting. I believe, excessive attention demanding is a behavioral disease, which needs to be addressed. Therefore, we should think about a technique to cure these people, so we treat the cause from the root. I agree with Lori that we need to change our perception, however, in my opinion, that’s just a temporary technique for us to not letting these types of behavior get in to us.
Let’s not call it second child syndrome because that is just another excuse. Attention-seekers/ copycats/ people who need to ruin every experience by metaphorically screaming ‘me, me’, me’ just need to grow up and stop wasting other people’s energy and time. Simple as that. We live in a society that is quickly becoming narcissistic and totally self-absorbed and nobody should really condone that. Sorry, I see your viewpoint about employing empathy, but at some point everyone who is aware enough to recognise attention-seeking behaviour would best spend their own time saying ‘I’m not even going to give that a second thought’. This epidemic produced by the digital age needs to be quashed before it desecrates any semblance of genuine social interaction and normal human maturation.
I am one as well. On a daily basis I get people who come up to me out of every nook and cranny seeking advice or personal acknowledgement. It gets really overwhelming and draining. They are like a broken faucet that cannot be plugged, no matter your what skills the plumber (i.e., you) have. Many people are curious as to why one is happy or has a higher vibrational frequency than they do. Sometimes, their curiosity leads them to engage in unhealthy behaviors to bring you out into the open as if you have to explain yourself to them, which is passively intrusive and time consuming. There will always be a full-court press on people for their attention if they seem to be able to help or give away free counseling.
so true ..
Why are you talking about ”wanting attention” as if a remote thing ? We thrive by giving and receiving love, and that in itself involves giving and receiving attention. This comment comes off asa very condescending.
“We all look for validation every now and then. We’re all people who want attention.”
I actually look for approval so I don’t get attention, not sure if that makes sense but I try not to call attention by being as everyone else. Is that something bad?
that means you need to have compassion for every actor/singer selfie obsessive and anyone in the public eye. In fact most of the population of this self obsessed world we live in.
shame its all in you head> There is no such thing unless you watch star trek
I’m such a person, but I have been left isolated for 2 months cause everyone has heared rumors I am attention seeking (I am lonely and in need of social existence) so I am thinking; am I the horrible person or are they horrible to believe the rumours?
I am a person who wants to give attention to other’s; yet it is seen as selfish ?
I used to want attention, because I was too shut on. I needed someone to break me, and let me explode. It did happrn in my life; however I still seek attention as a bad habit today. I’m try to get rid of it. Don’t cast away everybody that wants attention.
I get that feeling a lot. Everytime I do, I always think it’s a bad thing to want the attention of people. Whenever me and my friends hangout I always feel so left out because they can relate to each other and all that while I just sit in the corner and listen. Then one day, I’ll start the discussion but end up getting no response from any of them. Sometimes I just wanna tell them how I’m really feeling but I don’t want to seem like an attention seeker just because of that. I just want them to understand that I also want to be heard instead of always being the listener.
It doesn’t matter. Go out there and do things. It doesn’t even matter what-it could be just going to Mcdonalds. But do something.
I can’t tell if I’m attention seeking or if I’m craving normal human socialization and intimacy.
Whatever it is doesn’t matter though.
I’m slowly ghosting out of my family and friend’s lives for my own well-being. I mean it’s not like they’ll notice. They never try to reach me and I’m tired of making the effort to reach out and organize outings or message them.