History on Repeat

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This topic contains 98 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 weeks, 5 days ago.

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    Potential trigger warning.



    He brings his gun over and sets it out on top of the counter island between my kitchen and living room. When I first saw it there I was like oh he is just bringing his toy along. But it has become every time he is over. It worries me if he builds up resentment towards me.

    When he was telling me about his ex abusing him, he referred to it being the only person he has ever wanted to kill.

    I can’t tell if this fear is all in my head but I worry what if he ever got mad enough. the what ifs. If I can’t trust him not to explode on me like that.



    Dear Zeeza:

    You are welcome. So this man, your boyfriend, the other night brought his gun to your place, set it near your living room, then he drank a six pack of beer, yelled at you, angrily kicked your pillow off the couch, called you bad names, told you that there is nothing special about being with you “because everyone has been with (you)”; later said he couldn’t remember saying these things, then said that “he thinks that (you were) with someone else almost everyday”, then said it won’t happen again and bought you flowers and chocolates.

    You wrote in your post before last: “Work has become a safe place to not think about anything else”. Better make your home a safe place as well, change the locks if he has keys, install a security system, file a report with the police if he threatens you, and expand your safety that way.

    Flowers and chocolates will not keep you alive if he uses that gun.




    Work let me go early today because it was slow and I am going in for my 7th day straight tomorrow. I am worried because two people having jokingly said you are fired. I asked how I could be helpful and my boss told me to cap test tubes before we use them.  I dropped a cap (I was tryin to put lids of around 50-100 empty test tubes). A co worker jokingly said you are fired when I dropped the cap. Another time I can’t remember exactly how/why, but the person I was training with, who is also newly hired, jokingly said you are fired.

    I was looking at our data and saw that 6 plates that I prepped to grow bacteria had to be retested. When I get my Display of Competency tests back I passed with flying colors. My boss watched me intake a sample today. Which is basically me taking a picture of a sample and making sure the labeling is correct. I have been doing this part of the job since day 5. She told me to not leave more than one bag out and I explained how I kept the bag and the sample always together so it would never be confused but I will definitely follow that protocol. After I finished intaking the sample I was bringing up a data page on the computer to prepare sampling and enter weights. As I was doing this she reminded me to turn off the light and camera. Not giving me more than a minute since I finished intaking my last sample to remind me to turn everything off. I am worried she is so closely observing me because of errors. I accidentally had two empty test tubes on two different occasions. I didn’t weigh out the sample and had to figure out why. After weighing so many samples over and over, you would think I would do it correctly.

    I feel like I am bad luck sometimes like my anxiety is contagious.

    I don’t even know how to process removing this returned ex from my life again. I gave him a key since we were going to a party I thought putting my key ring on the car keys would make sense we took one car, and didn’t ask for them back. I texted him this morning “hope you have a great day” and he responds “you can’t even type out “I hope” what is wrong? I am sorry for being mean I will try my best today to think you love me”

    I don’t know what is harder to realize he is capable of hurting me or to go through the intensity of leaving him again. He created multiple phone numbers to contact me last time.

    I just want a magic wand that says yes you will keep your job you are growing and the fear is dissipating. That I an just tell this man to never bring his gun to my house, to not drink around me, and to give me my key. Then see how he behaves with those boundaries. Then it would also maybe be safer to leave in a two step process like that. First phase is creating more space and an attempt to create more safety. If that fails then saying goodbye won’t require me to try to get anything of mine from him.

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Zeeza.


    Life is truth when we follow budha



    Dear Zeeza:

    I think that it is better that you end this relationship following one swift step instead of it being “a two step process”. You don’t need this guy distressing you. You need to keep yourself as calm as possible outside work so that you can function best in your challenging job.

    The two co workers with their you-are-fired jokes, maybe they are nervous themselves about making mistakes in the lab and being fired, so they projected their fear to you, as a joke, to ease up their anxiety.

    it is challenging to work so many hours, many days in a row and to follow an elaborate protocol. When you make an error, do not panic. Everyone makes mistakes. Correct an error and move on. Remember your supervisor appreciated you telling her of a mistake and being patient with you? A positive attitude and patience are best when deal with mistakes (our own and others’), so take on that attitude yourself toward your mistakes, and you will be fine.

    I hope you get some rest and keep this job. You are good at it!




    At the end of the work day yesterday my boss came to me and said I did great especially for working so many days straight. I told her I am feeling more confident and thank you for your patience. I got more of my Display of Competency tests results back. I was within 2% accuracy with 5% being excellent and 10% acceptable.

    This fellow came over yesterday with no beer or gun and just looked sorry and tried to talk with me and we listened to music. It is hard for me to grasp how to proceed. I know what I must do to keep my peace. It is just confusing to see a night and day difference. I want to let go but don’t want to at the same time.

    I am so grateful for a day off! I think I will make some art. Thank you for your wisdom and advice Anita 🙂



    Dear Zeeza:

    Congratulations for passing the Display and Competency tests with 2% accuracy when 5% is being excellent and 10% being acceptable- how very impressive!!!

    Rest and enjoy your day off, make some art and don’t spend today with this questionable man. According to my estimation he is way below the 10% acceptable-boyfriend test, not good enough for you to spend any part of your precious resting day with him.

    You are welcome and thank you for your kind words.




    Hi Anita,

    I hope you are still enjoying the fall leaves. How are you if I may ask?
    One of the recent hires was fired at work. She was there for 2.5 months. Same one who was joking “You are Fired”. I was wondering why she didn’t come in. I later find out that she was fired for making too many mistakes. No one is really talking about it openly.
    This man helped me pay the last bit of my rent. One of my pay checks barely covers my rent. I can’t wait to move into a cheaper place. Originally had this place with a partner I thought would be long term. </span></p>
    He brought me lunch at work yesterday because he knows I haven’t had much food. He was telling me how he was crying because he finally got rid of his cat stuff. His cat he had for 10 years passed away a couple months ago.</span></p>
    During my weekend I had a friend come visit who really needed someone to fully listen to them.</span></p>
    I didn’t clean or do laundry to prepare for my week. My animals have extra foods. And I have pasta and I have been taking daily vitamins.
    If I can last at this job for longer than 3 months I will get a dollar raise and monthly bonuses. I did make a mistake today but it was easily fixed. I am trying to go slowly and triple check my work. I have recently been able to listen to music at work with my headphones and that has helped when my 8 hour day has turned into 11 because of the overflow of work. Tomorrow is my Friday once again and I am so hoping to truly make art. I have the second therapy appt on Tuesday. I am not exactly sure what to focus on but in our first appointment she told me to adjust to my job and then we will meet up. She told me my sense of humor will help me go far. She told me I scored severe in depression and anxiety at the time of the appt so I was hoping we could meet weekly instead of monthly. I don’t know.
    I try to watch for moments when this man is trying to get in my head and make me feel a certain type of way. He was begging to see pictures of a guy I was with when we weren’t together. I told him no. and he finally gave up on it and said well at least one of us is happy about it. I called him out on being rude and that we don’t need to waste energy on this I want to live here now. I am grateful to have rent paid and to be able to work another day. I really do like my job it is just a bit stressful at times.My heart is torn between seeing the humanity and kindness in him while also thinking what has occurred.

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 5 days ago by  Zeeza.


    Dear Zeza:

    Yes, you may ask and thank you for asking. I am a bit restless these days, a bit tired, but fine. I think I need something new, don’t know what it is yet. Almost all the leaves are down. Funny, I didn’t connect the word Fall to leaves Falling until I moved to a climate where four seasons are distinct and happen every year. I like walking and hearing the leaves fall.

    I thought that the co-worker who told you that you are fired may have been worried about  being fired herself- and she was. I am glad you are good at what you  do. Keeping your job is very important, and “trying to go slowly and triple check my work” is the best, mindful way to go about it.

    Important to continue to take your medications and attend quality psychotherapy, as often as is possible for you, to eat more than pasta- incorporate some quality protein and some vegetables.

    Nice of you to avail yourself to the friend over the weekend, but remember to avail yourself to what you need first, or have her help you with what you need to do for yourself (“clean.. do laundry to prepare for my week”).

    Regarding this man in your life: very important that you do move to a less expensive place so that you can pay the rent yourself and not need his help paying it.

    You wrote yesterday that he brought you lunch to work, sad about having lost his cat of 10 years a couple of months ago and proceeded to beg you to “see pictures of a guy I was with when we weren’t together”, you refused, then he finally gave up and told you: “at least one of us is happy about it”.

    A week before that, Nov 3, you texted him in the morning: “hope you have a great day”. He responded: “you can’t even type out ‘I hope’ what is wrong? I am sorry for being mean I will try my best today to think you love me”-

    – well, there is nothing wrong with not typing “I hope” and abbreviating it with “hope”. You can’t win with a person who is this literal and exact- it is more difficult to not make alleged mistakes with him than it is at your job: you have to  watch your grammar, make sure it is exact at all times.

    And his comments: “at least one of us is happy” and a week  later: “I will try my best today to think you love me” are dishonest, passive aggressive ways to say what he really meant, something like: I am miserable because of you! and: You don’t love me and I know it! And: I am angry at you for making me miserable and not loving me!!!

    It is a good thing that he is employed, so he is less likely to use that gun that he brings to your apartment, and it is a good thing that he didn’t use it against an ex girlfriend although he wanted to (“he was telling me about his ex abusing him.. the only person he has ever wanted to kill”).

    At the end of Oct or very early Nov, this month, he bought a 6pack of beer, brought it  to your place, got drunk, “Falling and stuff. Started yelling at me and kicked my pillow off  the couch angrily.. calling me one bad name and the anger was about who was with when we weren’t together 2 months ago… told me there is nothing special about being with me because everyone has been with me”.

    It is a no-brainer that this guy should remain out of your apartment and outside your life. Problem is that he has the keys and he helps you with the rent. Do what needs to be done to move to a lesser expensive apartment. He will not have the keys to the new apartment (and don’t give it to him, of course). For now- is it possible for you to change the keys to your current apartment and never allow him in?

    Maybe you can find another apartment sooner than later, maybe borrow a bit of money so to cover the next rent, not needing his money?



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