November 3, 2019 at 12:27 am #321019
Potential trigger warning.
He brings his gun over and sets it out on top of the counter island between my kitchen and living room. When I first saw it there I was like oh he is just bringing his toy along. But it has become every time he is over. It worries me if he builds up resentment towards me.
When he was telling me about his ex abusing him, he referred to it being the only person he has ever wanted to kill.
I can’t tell if this fear is all in my head but I worry what if he ever got mad enough. the what ifs. If I can’t trust him not to explode on me like that.November 3, 2019 at 8:06 am #321099
You are welcome. So this man, your boyfriend, the other night brought his gun to your place, set it near your living room, then he drank a six pack of beer, yelled at you, angrily kicked your pillow off the couch, called you bad names, told you that there is nothing special about being with you “because everyone has been with (you)”; later said he couldn’t remember saying these things, then said that “he thinks that (you were) with someone else almost everyday”, then said it won’t happen again and bought you flowers and chocolates.
You wrote in your post before last: “Work has become a safe place to not think about anything else”. Better make your home a safe place as well, change the locks if he has keys, install a security system, file a report with the police if he threatens you, and expand your safety that way.
Flowers and chocolates will not keep you alive if he uses that gun.
anitaNovember 3, 2019 at 5:25 pm #321205
Work let me go early today because it was slow and I am going in for my 7th day straight tomorrow. I am worried because two people having jokingly said you are fired. I asked how I could be helpful and my boss told me to cap test tubes before we use them. I dropped a cap (I was tryin to put lids of around 50-100 empty test tubes). A co worker jokingly said you are fired when I dropped the cap. Another time I can’t remember exactly how/why, but the person I was training with, who is also newly hired, jokingly said you are fired.
I was looking at our data and saw that 6 plates that I prepped to grow bacteria had to be retested. When I get my Display of Competency tests back I passed with flying colors. My boss watched me intake a sample today. Which is basically me taking a picture of a sample and making sure the labeling is correct. I have been doing this part of the job since day 5. She told me to not leave more than one bag out and I explained how I kept the bag and the sample always together so it would never be confused but I will definitely follow that protocol. After I finished intaking the sample I was bringing up a data page on the computer to prepare sampling and enter weights. As I was doing this she reminded me to turn off the light and camera. Not giving me more than a minute since I finished intaking my last sample to remind me to turn everything off. I am worried she is so closely observing me because of errors. I accidentally had two empty test tubes on two different occasions. I didn’t weigh out the sample and had to figure out why. After weighing so many samples over and over, you would think I would do it correctly.
I feel like I am bad luck sometimes like my anxiety is contagious.
I don’t even know how to process removing this returned ex from my life again. I gave him a key since we were going to a party I thought putting my key ring on the car keys would make sense we took one car, and didn’t ask for them back. I texted him this morning “hope you have a great day” and he responds “you can’t even type out “I hope” what is wrong? I am sorry for being mean I will try my best today to think you love me”
I don’t know what is harder to realize he is capable of hurting me or to go through the intensity of leaving him again. He created multiple phone numbers to contact me last time.
I just want a magic wand that says yes you will keep your job you are growing and the fear is dissipating. That I an just tell this man to never bring his gun to my house, to not drink around me, and to give me my key. Then see how he behaves with those boundaries. Then it would also maybe be safer to leave in a two step process like that. First phase is creating more space and an attempt to create more safety. If that fails then saying goodbye won’t require me to try to get anything of mine from him.
November 4, 2019 at 12:42 am #321235
- This reply was modified 8 months ago by Zeeza.
Life is truth when we follow budhaNovember 4, 2019 at 11:55 am #321335
I think that it is better that you end this relationship following one swift step instead of it being “a two step process”. You don’t need this guy distressing you. You need to keep yourself as calm as possible outside work so that you can function best in your challenging job.
The two co workers with their you-are-fired jokes, maybe they are nervous themselves about making mistakes in the lab and being fired, so they projected their fear to you, as a joke, to ease up their anxiety.
it is challenging to work so many hours, many days in a row and to follow an elaborate protocol. When you make an error, do not panic. Everyone makes mistakes. Correct an error and move on. Remember your supervisor appreciated you telling her of a mistake and being patient with you? A positive attitude and patience are best when deal with mistakes (our own and others’), so take on that attitude yourself toward your mistakes, and you will be fine.
I hope you get some rest and keep this job. You are good at it!
anitaNovember 5, 2019 at 11:01 am #321551
At the end of the work day yesterday my boss came to me and said I did great especially for working so many days straight. I told her I am feeling more confident and thank you for your patience. I got more of my Display of Competency tests results back. I was within 2% accuracy with 5% being excellent and 10% acceptable.
This fellow came over yesterday with no beer or gun and just looked sorry and tried to talk with me and we listened to music. It is hard for me to grasp how to proceed. I know what I must do to keep my peace. It is just confusing to see a night and day difference. I want to let go but don’t want to at the same time.
I am so grateful for a day off! I think I will make some art. Thank you for your wisdom and advice Anita 🙂November 5, 2019 at 11:09 am #321555
Congratulations for passing the Display and Competency tests with 2% accuracy when 5% is being excellent and 10% being acceptable- how very impressive!!!
Rest and enjoy your day off, make some art and don’t spend today with this questionable man. According to my estimation he is way below the 10% acceptable-boyfriend test, not good enough for you to spend any part of your precious resting day with him.
You are welcome and thank you for your kind words.
anitaNovember 10, 2019 at 8:00 pm #322401
I hope you are still enjoying the fall leaves. How are you if I may ask?
One of the recent hires was fired at work. She was there for 2.5 months. Same one who was joking “You are Fired”. I was wondering why she didn’t come in. I later find out that she was fired for making too many mistakes. No one is really talking about it openly.
This man helped me pay the last bit of my rent. One of my pay checks barely covers my rent. I can’t wait to move into a cheaper place. Originally had this place with a partner I thought would be long term. </span></p>
He brought me lunch at work yesterday because he knows I haven’t had much food. He was telling me how he was crying because he finally got rid of his cat stuff. His cat he had for 10 years passed away a couple months ago.</span></p>
During my weekend I had a friend come visit who really needed someone to fully listen to them.</span></p>
I didn’t clean or do laundry to prepare for my week. My animals have extra foods. And I have pasta and I have been taking daily vitamins.
If I can last at this job for longer than 3 months I will get a dollar raise and monthly bonuses. I did make a mistake today but it was easily fixed. I am trying to go slowly and triple check my work. I have recently been able to listen to music at work with my headphones and that has helped when my 8 hour day has turned into 11 because of the overflow of work. Tomorrow is my Friday once again and I am so hoping to truly make art. I have the second therapy appt on Tuesday. I am not exactly sure what to focus on but in our first appointment she told me to adjust to my job and then we will meet up. She told me my sense of humor will help me go far. She told me I scored severe in depression and anxiety at the time of the appt so I was hoping we could meet weekly instead of monthly. I don’t know.
I try to watch for moments when this man is trying to get in my head and make me feel a certain type of way. He was begging to see pictures of a guy I was with when we weren’t together. I told him no. and he finally gave up on it and said well at least one of us is happy about it. I called him out on being rude and that we don’t need to waste energy on this I want to live here now. I am grateful to have rent paid and to be able to work another day. I really do like my job it is just a bit stressful at times.My heart is torn between seeing the humanity and kindness in him while also thinking what has occurred.
November 11, 2019 at 7:30 am #322475
- This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by Zeeza.
Yes, you may ask and thank you for asking. I am a bit restless these days, a bit tired, but fine. I think I need something new, don’t know what it is yet. Almost all the leaves are down. Funny, I didn’t connect the word Fall to leaves Falling until I moved to a climate where four seasons are distinct and happen every year. I like walking and hearing the leaves fall.
I thought that the co-worker who told you that you are fired may have been worried about being fired herself- and she was. I am glad you are good at what you do. Keeping your job is very important, and “trying to go slowly and triple check my work” is the best, mindful way to go about it.
Important to continue to take your medications and attend quality psychotherapy, as often as is possible for you, to eat more than pasta- incorporate some quality protein and some vegetables.
Nice of you to avail yourself to the friend over the weekend, but remember to avail yourself to what you need first, or have her help you with what you need to do for yourself (“clean.. do laundry to prepare for my week”).
Regarding this man in your life: very important that you do move to a less expensive place so that you can pay the rent yourself and not need his help paying it.
You wrote yesterday that he brought you lunch to work, sad about having lost his cat of 10 years a couple of months ago and proceeded to beg you to “see pictures of a guy I was with when we weren’t together”, you refused, then he finally gave up and told you: “at least one of us is happy about it”.
A week before that, Nov 3, you texted him in the morning: “hope you have a great day”. He responded: “you can’t even type out ‘I hope’ what is wrong? I am sorry for being mean I will try my best today to think you love me”-
– well, there is nothing wrong with not typing “I hope” and abbreviating it with “hope”. You can’t win with a person who is this literal and exact- it is more difficult to not make alleged mistakes with him than it is at your job: you have to watch your grammar, make sure it is exact at all times.
And his comments: “at least one of us is happy” and a week later: “I will try my best today to think you love me” are dishonest, passive aggressive ways to say what he really meant, something like: I am miserable because of you! and: You don’t love me and I know it! And: I am angry at you for making me miserable and not loving me!!!
It is a good thing that he is employed, so he is less likely to use that gun that he brings to your apartment, and it is a good thing that he didn’t use it against an ex girlfriend although he wanted to (“he was telling me about his ex abusing him.. the only person he has ever wanted to kill”).
At the end of Oct or very early Nov, this month, he bought a 6pack of beer, brought it to your place, got drunk, “Falling and stuff. Started yelling at me and kicked my pillow off the couch angrily.. calling me one bad name and the anger was about who was with when we weren’t together 2 months ago… told me there is nothing special about being with me because everyone has been with me”.
It is a no-brainer that this guy should remain out of your apartment and outside your life. Problem is that he has the keys and he helps you with the rent. Do what needs to be done to move to a lesser expensive apartment. He will not have the keys to the new apartment (and don’t give it to him, of course). For now- is it possible for you to change the keys to your current apartment and never allow him in?
Maybe you can find another apartment sooner than later, maybe borrow a bit of money so to cover the next rent, not needing his money?
anitaNovember 11, 2019 at 8:46 pm #322595
You are craving something new? like a new place to see or new food to try?
I like to think of this season as Falling in love with Fall 🙂
It frustrates me that I am starting in a career with barely being able to be financially stable. Maybe in a year I will have earned my way. I consider financially stable being able to make 2.5 times my rent. My dad sometimes helps me with money for food but he doesn’t make much. I will have to start paying out my student loans too. Which is $100 a month so I am grateful. One of my old girlfriends pays $500 a month back in loans.
My lease is up in April. To break the lease I have to pay the rest of rent owned on my lease agreement. If I were to move closer to work to have less of a commute, it will be more expensive. I don’t like having roommates. I am not sure why just in the past it felt like I could never be home or have my own space. Maybe my codependent tendencies? I have the cheapest and closest place to the city possible. I will keep looking but I am in an area everyone seems to be moving to. Whenever I rented from a private owner, like a basemen apartment, I had experiences where the landlord was very very nosey. The only solution I can think of to find a cheap place in the city… is to connect with a local renting out a part of their house.
I could try to save and afford a trailer. Trailers don’t last long but their mortgages are way cheaper and I wouldn’t be paying off a house for the rest of my life.
The supervisor and her BFF of years (who she recently hired couple months ago) invited me to hang out sometime. So I think I am bonding with people at work. I am just nervous to coordinate official plans and mashup personal and professional. The smell of isopropyl alcohol has been giving me a headache and I have been too stubborn to wear a mask because no one else does. I think I will give in and use one.
As for this man I feel like I have been guilty in my past of feeling the same way. Looking at my partner and being like “I am miserable because of you! why don’t you love me”. I feel like I deserve it. I did leave. Although I wouldn’t be talking to you about it here if I felt like something was going wrong. He confuses me. I appreciate your patience on this topic I am trying to be openminded and understand. I met him when I got into a car wreck a year ago and I guess he has been a solid person I can see regularly and I don’t have anyone else like that in my life (yet). So maybe that is why it is hard to say bye. He provides me with so much and he can make me laugh. We all have a dark side though.
My therapy appt is actually at 8am on my Monday. I don’t know if going to therapy before work is a good idea because I seem to have some emotions to deal with that bubble over. I haven’t had any intense emotional upheavals in awhile and I want to maintain that. Ending things with this man will definitely be an upheaval. Or maybe it is the way I am thinking about it that makes it so. I am trying I really am.November 12, 2019 at 5:58 am #322619
What do you know, I shared with you that I am craving something new and you gave me something new that brought a smile to my face this early morning: “Falling in love with Fall”- new term to me! Beautiful, what a refreshing way to combine falling-in-love and Fall… I just googled it to see if it is a name of a band I don’t know about, or a song and nothing came up. So I wonder if it is your original creation, this combination of words. I like words, combining words, so to me this is a gift, thank you.
Becoming financially stable (earning 2.5 times your rent) will take some time then, maybe a year. I do hope you endure and make it about a year, to that point. And yes, students loans are notorious. The lease on your apartment is until April and I don’t think you have the money to pay the rent of five months in advance in order to move this month or next and rent elsewhere. I can see roommates or a very nosey landlord is distressing.
So short term, you plan to stay where you are until April and then look “to connect with a local renting out a part of their house” closer to your place of work, and long term, consider buying a trailer to live in?
Regarding the supervisor and her friend, another co-worker inviting you to hang out sometime- that makes me nervous too. If you do meet them outside of work, do not share very personal things with them and do more listening than talking. If any one of them shares something very personal, do not reciprocate right there and then and share something very personal about yourself. If this happens, and you are not sure, you can share with me and as always, I’ll be glad to give you my input.
Better use a mask to protect you from isopropyl alcohol. Regarding this man: you met him when you got into a car wreck a year ago and he has been “a solid person” in your life, dependable, that is, “provides me with so much and he can make me laugh”, and that “Ending things with this man will definitely be an upheaval”.
I understand that you don’t need and want an upheaval anytime soon and agree that it will not be good for you.
You wrote in regard to him and everyone: “We all have a dark side though”- better not hurt another with that dark side and not accept hurt from another’s dark side. Do all you can to protect yourself from his (and anyone’s) dark side. Maybe this can be the topic to start your next therapy session, how to interact with this man, how to assert yourself with him, how to keep his dark side away from you.
Fall leaves are almost all on the ground. Not all, but lots. I like that.
anitaNovember 12, 2019 at 12:11 pm #322661
How lovely 🙂 In some ways falling in love with fall is making gratitude stronger than regret. In a nature perspective, grateful for the summer blossoms and the blossoms that are yet to come. The process of letting go to make a new possibility.
I think that it is a great approach to be friendly but healthy boundaries. I tend to overshare sometimes. No one knows of my past or mental illnesses. I’d like to keep it that way.
I like the perspective of protecting oneself from other’s darksides and my own. I am happy I stopped self harming, stopped punishing myself. I hope to focus on continuing to managing this in therapy.
I think over time, like in the next 3 months or a year or so I will have a better picture of how to “adult” and manage financial. Investigate different options in housing. Building a home within and without is an artform in itself. The worlds we create are powerful and I have been careless about it in someways.November 12, 2019 at 1:36 pm #322671
“The process of letting go to make a new possibility”- I like that, very much, the way you put it, connecting it with Fall- letting go of last summer, maybe the dreams of last summer, the hopes and dreams of before, so to make room for a different kind of hopes and dreams. When I think of it personally, how it applies to me, I think of letting go of the hopes and dreams I had to make my mother happy- I think of that because there was nothing I wanted more intensely and for so long. I wanted to have a positive affect on her so that she would figure that I was something positive in her life. Which meant that I would figure that there was something positive, or good about me.
Letting go of that and make room for… knowing that I am making a positive affect in my own life, my own mind. And if I could make a positive affect in the lives of a few others, oh what a wonderful thing that would be.
You wrote: “I tend to overshare sometimes”- not a good idea, as you indicated in the clarifier “over”, as in more than is good for you. When we overshare we give some interested parties ammunition to use against us.
“the perspective of protecting oneself from other’s dark side and my own”- the dark side is the hurting part that wants to hurt others. And oneself (“I stopped self harming, stopped punishing myself”)- the thing is, if we didn’t distant ourselves from ourselves aka disassociating, we wouldn’t hurt ourselves any more than we are already hurt. We become strangers to ourselves, look at ourselves from a huge distance and think: this person is bad. This person needs to be punished.
“Building a home within and without is an artform in itself”- I like how you put words together, how you state things. Building a home within, connecting it to what I wrote earlier in this post, is making ourselves feel good. Because it all comes down to feelings, eventually, after all lofty considerations: we are okay when we feel okay. A home within is I believe, feeling okay on an ongoing basis, being okay being ourselves.
anitaNovember 23, 2019 at 8:19 pm #324187
I am sorry it is has taken me so long to write a response. Every time I have returned to this page I reread what you wrote and try to apply it in my life. Work is going along smoothly. They already hired a new person so I am no longer the newest. Someone asked me what I am doing for the Thanksgiving and I realized I didn’t have a plan. However I did develop a random inspiration into tattoo art. I have been working on a portfolio to bring to a shop that is looking for an apprentice. My mind is trying to soak in as much information in regards to the process of tattoos in general. It has been a wonderful state of mind to exist in. I have two friends already volunteer to receive a tattoo from me.
Anyways I did share some family history a little with my coworker as she shared equally. It bothered me that she mentioned she is afraid of her brother’s GF because she comes from a “poor background of a family she is a drama queen” so I just said I hope that goes well and talked about the bond I wish was better with my brother as she shared her story with her brother.
Being a tattoo artist has sparked a drive in me and I like this part of myself. I was explaining to boyfriend who-I-should-be-leaving, that how meaningful it would be to tattoo for someone as the process their life and their own meaning. Because some people get tattoos as memorials or have different stories and backgrounds or feel differently about their body and themselves in some ways, to mark change. I thought it would be beautiful to be a part of that transformation. He told me in response, “then it would be like TV?”
I went on to say that my friends trust in me and design a tattoo they would want, that is love. He response was that is not love that is getting a tattoo don’t get it confused” I responded no don’t tell me how to think, love is everything especially trust and art is love to me. He responded that “oh because I said that I should be taken advantage of and beaten” which was a response that just took me off guard completely. I was just like no you don’t deserve to be treated like that. It was just a strange interaction. I aksed him what he was going to do tomorrow and he said “taken advantage of everything but not get in trouble with people”
Then he texts me today “Now you will never here from me again unless you talk to me. not really. I just love you” When I didn’t respond until noon. Told him I had the giggles today with an awesome day at work. he said “giggles are love extruding from your being. You better be having a good day or else I’ll show up and make it a good day. I will force love. Everyone will be happy so help me god”
I think my obsession with tattoo art has been helping me dream of what it is like to build a home. I am finding comfort in my lab and my animals. I am just trying to process myself to see how he and I are fundamentally different in perspectives about life.
I hope you are having a blissful day? Thank you for sharing a safe space with me.November 24, 2019 at 10:12 am #324247
Don’t worry about taking your time after I post to you. No such thing as a late reply, post whenever you feel like and I’ll be glad to read from you!
I am glad your lab works is going well, that you are no longer the newest employee and that you are enjoying your animals. Becoming a tattoo artist reads fine and dandy to me. Tattoos are very popular where I live, almost everyone is tattooed. Your boyfriend who you “should-be-leaving”… well, you should be leaving. I don’t understand what he says to you and I figure life is too complicated to make it even more complicated when it is not necessary. He should tell you what it is that he means clearly and simply. Otherwise, he is wasting time and making life unecessary complicated for himself and for anyone he is involved with.
Fall is pretty much over, leaves have Fallen and trees are now naked. I am about to go on my walk out in the cold in a few moments.