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Viewing 15 posts - 781 through 795 (of 1,137 total)
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  • #377013
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am trying my best to be grateful and make the most out of what now has to offer. Thereā€™s been a few bumps with moving. My key stopped working for the building entrance and the second key as well. Thankfully someone could let me in. I got two parking tickets in one night but thankfully I might be able to rent a parking spot soon.

    I looked into the visual media 2 year program at the community college down the road from me. Tuition seems affordable with about two thousand per quarter. And it looks like a great opportunity to learn videography and al sorts of art forms digital and physical. I thought this might be a good path to take. And to take advantage of the lower rent I have. Even with paying for a parking spot I am still saving 200 a month. It would be a dream to support myself while making art. And I was thinking if I learned many forms such as recording special moments for people, or helping build websites or video game art, I might have a better chance making it profitable. At first I felt so frustrated like I am going backwards in life and feeling bad that I donā€™t have as much stability Iā€™d hope for. But I am grateful for having a roof over my head and sir Harry. Anyways they are accepting applicants and seem to be doing zoom info sessions. My other choice could be trying to finish my biochemistry degree I worked towards with only 5 classes left. I just know that I really feel like I need to be working and dreaming towards something meaningful. It feels like the job I have now isnā€™t something that will give me an income where I can afford a house. I wish to feel at home. Maybe I donā€™t necessarily need to afford a house. I will try to get some sleep and I hope you have the best day Anita!

    best wishes

    zeeza

    #377028
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Zeeza:

    Good to read from you although I wish you were asleep at 1:29 am. Make sure you don’t get more parking tickets before you are able to rent a parking spot. Regarding your dilemma: visual art studies vs completing your biochemistry degree: how much time and money will it cost you to complete the five classes left?

    anita

    #377040
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    The cost of finishing my biochemistry degree is variable because I have an option to take the course at the community college and transfer the credit. The courses would take about less than a year Sind they are in a sequence. I would need to relearn and review a lot. Iā€™d say it could be anywhere between 2 to 10 grand for tuition.

    for the visual arts it would take 2 years and with no financial aid it would be about 16 grand for the two years of tuition. I might not have to do full two years because I have already completed most required courses besides the meat of the major.

    I would have to reapply to the old university to start and see what that would be like. I didnā€™t file my fafsa so maybe I should start there.

    the parking tickets are confusing because Iā€™ve parked there before and no ticket and so have other cars I think I need a special parking permit to park in the city. I had to park very far last night and I think the fear of being locked out and thinking of my future kept me up so late. My adrenaline was going.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by Zeeza.
    #377043
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Zeeza:

    Biochemistry: less than a year, 2-10 thousand dollars; Visual Arts: 2 years, maybe less, 16 thousand dollars, maybe less.

    This is what I would do, if I was you: research current and projected employment opportunities and income for a biochemistry graduate, and for a visual arts graduate in the city where you live, and perhaps elsewhere. Choose the route that is significantly more likely to lead you to a stable job with desirable income,Ā  benefits and working conditions. Also, I think that for you, having a job is preferable to being self-employed/ being your own boss.

    anita

     

    #377048
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    that sounds like a solid plan I have researched both and both seem to have a lot of job opportunities in this location but I havenā€™t fully researched the financial aspect of both. It seems for science though I need at least a masters to contribute more than just a person who repeats experiments or does quality control. I may be limited in my views.

    I have entertained the idea of being an art entrepreneur and like the idea of the freedom but not having structure does stress me out and I struggle with structure in just taking care of myself which I wish was my strongest skill. I get bored very easily so I thought this wouldnā€™t be boring but exciting.

    #377049
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Zeeza:

    I suggest that you research the financial aspect and research more the expected practical use of a degree in this and a degree in that before you choose one of the two routes. Regarding being an art entrepreneur as a full time occupation, I don’t think it’s a good idea. As a second/ side job, perhaps, not as a full time job.

    The excitement of doing art is not likely to carry you through the anxiety regarding lack of structure day after day, after day.

    So, if I was you, I would focus on which route will get you a better, structured job, as an employee.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by .
    #377295
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    the Easter holiday snuck up on me and I woke up that day with weird memories it was if I was dreaming them and it was the memory of how I would cry myself to sleep as a child thinking nobody loves me and I didnā€™t think Iā€™d get anything for holidays because I am a bad girl. And that Easter I found heart shape on the ground made of jelly beans. I felt emotionally resistant to this memory and tried to focus on my day but towards the end of the night I could see how remembering dreaming this influenced me. I felt alone and like no one cared but I know this isnā€™t true and thought maybe this is why I like finding heart shaped rocks or heart shaped anything. I hope you had a good Easter?

    I was thinking about how I could create structure with art. And realized I have an opportunity to do art and enjoy it if I can make my job schedule work for me. It would make sense to have an art business if I had a model that also sold stickers and prints so that making original art isnā€™t the only source of income. If I did a regular broadcasting kind of show when I made art it would provide a structure and a way to have people see my art. I was thinking about making a boar today who has been cursed by unkindness and it is from a movie. I figure that if I touch in common grounds like art from movies with my own twist so I donā€™t get copy right or if I made a theme of tarot cards; making a tarot card each week. Another idea I had is sharing my favorite quotes and making a drawing about it. Right now mine is ā€œto provide light one must endure burningā€ Viktor Frankl. The reason why I think of this art structure is because I have seen other artists do something similar and appear to be successful with it. I have watched different people stream their art and see how they attracts it and what seems to be successful. it is like building an art community that inspires positive thinking and hearing other peopleā€™s ideas as well. I could easily try doing this once a week while keeping a normal job. I am just nervous to be a public presentation of myself so I would rather be confident by planning it out. It seems like people who watch art streams can be lonely themselves so I am trying to keep that in mind

    I have been very sleep deprived and I think I finally caught up on sleep Harry was very confused when I sleeped in poor buddy. I realize last night that I can try to save a little under 1/3 of my income which I think is very luxurious and I havenā€™t really realized how much I can save with this new set up. I am starting to feel more appreciated at work and I feel like if I make a request to have a more normal schedule it would be easier to have a normal sleep schedule and this healthy life.

    my lab manager invited me to go rock hunting with her. I thought this would be fun. I need to get vaccinated I am going to cal to see where I can go. Hereā€™s to new chapters of life!

     

    #377297
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Zeeza:

    In your dream/ memories you were a bad girl. In reality you were a good girl, and you are now a good woman!!!

    You have lots of creative, exciting art ideas that are worthy of pursuing “while keeping a normal job”, like you wrote. I hope that you do manage to save money, that you get fully vaccinated soon, and that you request and receive “a more normal schedule” at work, so to have a better sleep schedule for you, and a less confuse Sir Harry!

    Back to you:Ā  here to a new chapter of life!

    anita

    #377394
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I have been successful unpacking and setting up a vaccine appt which will be Thursday morning. I will have the Johnson and Johnson vaccine.

    I somehow injured my left hand. It was aching my Friday and got worse throughout the week. I woke up in the night last night because it hurt. Anyways I have a brace on now and it feels much better. I am hoping it is just some form of stress injury and nothing permanent. Pipetting in the lab for a long time can make it very easy to have a strain injury. It could be many things but Iā€™m hoping just a brace and anti inflammatory medication will fix it. I am also trying to use my other hand more often now to balance things out.

    I successfully used the new washing machine for the first time. It was nice and did take awhile but because I had a lot to wash. Either way I think I could use this for camping too. Hopefully when my hand is better I can make some art šŸ™‚ thank you for listening to my ideas.

    I hope you have a magical day!!

    #377401
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Zeeza:

    Glad you have a J&J appointment this coming Thursday, a one shot deal. I feel much better being fully vaccinated, and you will be fully vaccinated in six days, how exciting!

    Sorry your left hand is injured and hope it heals completely. When it is no longer inflamed and not in a brace, maybe there are hand exercises that you can do daily, stretch it (both hands) in certain ways so to undo the pipetting strain. Enjoy your clean clothes and have a good weekend.

    anita

    #377609
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    How are you feeling these days?

    I am typing this with one hand I think I need to see a doctor perhaps. I think my wrist is out of place. I told work I am burning out so I need a change. They offered me 4 10s and 3 days off. I took it. It felt like my boyfriend didn’t understand and asked me to pipette so he could finish a project he procrastinated and I told him it is hard to pipette one handed. I worked all week one handed my dominant hand can only hold stuff but no twisting or pressure. People called out and I remained the work load was so high I felt guilty to leave or not work as hard and it felt like he had contempt in his voice when he talked to me I can’t remember what was said except when I commented on cute cat video he played in background at work and he said all of these cats are better than harry because they don’t scratch to which I replied harry won’t scratch you if you don’t keep trying to pet his belly that is his boundary but it felt mean for him to say that and lack of compassion with me injured it is almost like. he treated me like I was making a big deal out of nothing.

    #377626
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Zeeza:

    Four work days, 10 hours a day- these are long days, especially when your use of one hand is very limited. I hope that it is a better schedule for you than the one you had.

    I am sorry to read your hand did not improve and I hope that you can see a doctor for a thorough examination. Too bad that your boyfriend lacks compassion for you and for your hand trouble. You are definitely not making a big deal out of nothing, and you are doing your very best while in pain!

    It seems like he is jealous of your love for Sir Harry.

    anita

     

    #377659
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I agree that 10 hours is a long day and I was doing 9 hours usually when I am scheduled for 8 so it feels like it isnā€™t much of a drastic change in hours in a day. I will give it a go the first time this week. I am hoping knowing I have all this time to complete my work will help me stop rushing to finish it all in 8 hours. I think rushing my body is what injured it. I did go to the doctor and they gave me a better splint. I wish I got more chores done today and maybe I can finish some in the morning. Tomorrow I am going to visit an old dear friend and it would be frat to interact with someone from roots that I trust. We just have lived far.

    I guess the vaccine I was suppose to get was put on pause for blood clots but the cases seem very low.

    I donā€™t know why he would be jealous of Harry but it seems like he just keeps messaging me every two hours kind things which Iā€™m just confuses me on how angry I was just feeling earlier about how we interacted before. I wish to have space away from work and him and maybe have multiple days off will give me the chance to go camping. Or finish up classes. I am trying to keep hope that things can improve and I will make good choices and a part of me dreams what that would be like without this job and without this relationship. I feel trapped in it even though I know I am not.

    Thank you for your kind words snot and I do hope you are feeling well these days

    #377678
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Zeeza:

    You are welcome. Too bad that the J&J vaccination was put on hold. I hope that the research will conclude soon,Ā  and that it will be determined that it’s safe enough. You will need a lot of patience with your hand healing. Did the doctor recommend any exercise for your hand?

    I hope that soon you will no longer feel trapped at work or in this relationship. “he just keeps messaging me every two hours kind things”- what kind things/ how is he kind to you?

    * Please don’t answer/ post if it strains your hand or if you don’t have the time and patience to type with one hand.

    anita

    #378180
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    My hand is doing so much better. Yesterday I stopped using the brace and it felt good to have both hands pain free. There is a small bruise I didn’t notice before on my wrist but I think it is better now. I plan to keep wearing this brace at work so I don’t stress my wrist or hand too much since it helps limit movement. The doctor didn’t recommend any exercises but gave me a good anti-inflammatory. I have been putting arnicare cream on it which has helped a lot. I use to use arnicare cream for all the bruises I would get often. Thank you for giving my space to care for my hand and reminding me that I can tend to to this thread when I am not in frustration and pain of movement. I am rescheduled for a vaccine for Moderna on the 29th.

    Last week I had mentioned how I did not feel supported by my boyfriend and then when we spent time apart he kept sending me kind things and you asked me what kind things. He was sending me pictures of cute animals or where he was about to hike. He never asked me how my hand was and I didn’t share going to the doctor or anything. It was more of him sending random blips of happy things.

    I told him that last week it felt very passive aggressive. That he was angry with me since I couldn’t work as fast or as hard and that he made a point of how I felt was silly such as saying without prompted ” I don’t Care about our clients” He knew I was stressing because our sample load and turn around time was stressed. I said no one said you had to care but just the work load alone is a lot for us. Anyways that was last week and I said I hope this week we can talk about what bothers use directly. I also told him that it is not my fault if he waits to eat lunch so late. He would act angry towards me for not finishing things by a certain time saying he won’t eat until this part is done. It did make me feel guilty but then I realized it is not my fault. No one is saying he can’t eat until certain things are done. I explained this to him, that he can eat whenever and perhaps waiting so long is what made you a bit more tense. So he ate lunch before 5 this week.

    So this leads me into my next points of why I don’t think he cares for me and I just feel used:

    -I told him I might need to work on strengthening my hands or doing some exercise. That I wish to gain muscle mass and try to eat more power snacks. He turned that into saying I could workout my hands on him. I thought this was crude and I said you do realize you just turned my need for rehabilitation to you fulfilling your own needs? and he laughed it off but still asked me later.Ā  I said no.

    -I was talking about how much I loved my 2 year old classroom and a story about how we were learning about caterpillars. He said they are like dogs at that age. And I kept saying they are very smart just because humans are young does not mean they aren’t capable. It just didn’t sit well with me that he was referring to children as dogs who need to be trained. Then he reminded me of how I use to say casper is like a human with 2 year old intelligence. When he would call Casper stupid I would explain to him how dogs are very smart and he knows tones of voices and to please not take that harsh tone. I have a memory of waking up in the middle of the night where Casper was coughing but my boyfriend woke up before me. He was trying to soothe him but he was angry. Casper was right on the bed with me. my boyfriend said I will take care of you with a machete. I was like No casper nothing like that is going to happen to you and I hugged him and then he stopped coughing. So it was like my boyfriend was stressing him out. I feel uncomfortable typing that out. Because I excused his comment to sleep deprivation and that he shouldn’t be the one to take care of my dog in the night he just woke up before I did in that incident. I would get angry too that I couldn’t calm casper’s cough but I would go into the bathroom to calm myself before going to tend to casper so I wouldn’t have any anger. I would be angry because I felt powerless to stop his pain and exhausted.Ā  I even recall a conversation about how my boyfriend was saying he could help do the euthanasia himself and I was like that isn’t legal nor safe and I would rather have a professional do it when the time comes. Thankfully he was not there when casper did cross over at the beach. I am typing this out because this should of been red flags of the lack of compassion and caring even if he did show compassion at some points. He really liked to point out how I failed as a dog parent and try to lay in on way Casper wasn’t healthy. His conditions in his old age were not something I could of prevented. I could of brushed his teeth everyday which was his main point. When I was in tears when it was time for casper to cross over he said well now you don’t need to have interrupted sleep and worry about taking care of him. To which I replied but now all I will be doing is looking for him because life isn’t the same without my dear casper. I didn’t see it as a benefit at all like he was trying to paint.

    The turning point for me when I thought maybe this isn’t all in my head. Because I would think oh it is me not hearing things right or being too sensitive and trying to find the evidence that he does care was a situation with another coworker. The lab manager was stressed out and I was helping her solve a problem. She said this part is what she is uncertain about because my boyfriend says everyone does it wrong and he is the only one who does it right. No one else really attempts it. He was not present so she proceeded to do the task. She has done far more difficult things so I had faith in her abilities. Afterwards we had a coffee break in the sunshine together. Boyfriend arrives to work and she says can you please double check this and make sure it is up to your standards. The way she said up to your standards sounded like she felt small and not confident. Which is unlike her. I thought maybe he has been undermining her like he has with me. Anyways at way end of the day he brings up a photo of the project in question. There were bubbles present. We were tying to eliminate bubbles. He just showed us a photo of the bubbles. Didn’t say anything of how I fixed it or anything just kind of held it up like a badge of I am right you are wrong. So I asked him did he fix that before proceeding with he project like we asked him to? and he said no he left it as is. Then I asked if the bubbles really did influence the results would we see it in the data? and He said maybe. During this time I am asking all the questions and my manager is looking kind of small with her body language. So I ask him how do we fix it and shared what was difficult for us. He gave us the answer we needed then. What I don’t understand is why did he wait to share the photo until way afterwards, why didn’t he look to fix it before proceeding with the project when we specifically asked for that help, and why did he bring it in the form of a picture like evidence instead of saying here is the problem and here is how we solve it with words. And why did my manager seem timid when she is bright and can problem solve very well. My explanation is that he has been undermining her confidence so she has to go to him for support that only he can fix. Instead of neutrally sharing knowledge. It felt like I was being the middle man of figuring out this problem because she seemed timid to ask him outright what the solution is. I don’t know if she was afraid of being laughed at but it really upset me. Like was it a form of a power play here?

    -Another situation was he was telling me coworkers where asking him who is girlfriend was and he didn’t know what to answer. So he said I will just say harry (bodypart). It is too crude to type out what body part here. But I said that was rude why would you refer to any girlfriend like that.

    How do I end this relationship? Because I am angry and have been reaching out to other friends to remind myself I don’t need him. I have been working out in my mind why this is not healthy and even if I think this and that is really sweet it doesn’t take away from all the awful things. It isn’t a scenario where someone says something when stressed and then apologizes. Because when I bring up the specific things that bothers me he just kind of talks around it and tries to make a joke out of it instead of trying to understand how I feel.

     

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