In finacial decisions that he takes. If he buys a  home/land based on what his father has to say then why does he need me. He would get offended if i do the same thing. He tells me what to do with my money. I always ask him and plan accordingly. My parents never invlove in our marriage. I dont ask them or tell them before i do anything but my husband does.

I have been working since august last year.So I have some saved some money in my account.He has his own savings account.

Another incident happened today. My husband and I bought an apartment in India six years ago. The rent has been constant for the past six years. I had a conversation with my husband on increasing the rent couple of times. He just brushed it off saying his dad will take care of it. Today  I did the market research and saw the rents have been doubled in that area. I brought the same conversation again today. He told me that his dad discussed this with a week ago and he will work on it. I just hate the fact that he listened to his dad but when i told him the same thing he didnt even care. Another incident happened a while ago. My husband was planning to buy a land in india upon his dads request. We were planning to buy this land as an investment for my daughters education. So I wanted to contribute and gave my husband some money. Then next day his dad saw an article in the newspaper that the land is illegal and sent the screenshot of this article to my husband. I backed off saying that we shouldnt buy this land as its illegal and my husband said no. But my fil did his research and persisted my husband to buy the land. Finally my husband gave in as he couldnt say no to his dad. He even made my husband buy the other land which is right next to this one. I just accepted the fact that he cant say no to his dad. I didnt want drama so i took my money and move on. He did the same thing today.

I feel like a small kid struggling to manage my emotions and trying to reparent myself. I never want my daughter to go through this shit. Its hard.

When religious OCD popped up yesterday i did the ERP instead of running away from the fear. I feel bit better today.

The winter has started so i started to feel kind of depressed due to the weather. It reminded me of last year how i was feeling down with religious OCD during the same time. I started feeling like my religious OCD was coming back again. Then i started thinking how i am going live with this OCD when i get old. Sometimes it kind of feels lonely here. I miss my family. Its been four years since i saw them. When i was in india i would always go to my mom whenever i was feeling down. I started feeling like going back to India and live there. But even if i go back i have to deal with my in laws thats going to make me anxious too. I have to make lots of adjustment. On top of that i am used to living in US now. I have to deal with other things like nosy relatives, pollution, traffic the list goes on. I feel like neither INDIA or US feels like home to me now. When i come to office i feel felt out. I dont know all these things are going on my mind. I started telling my self i should working on anxiety otherwise no place will feel like home until i have the peace of mind.

(1) I feel inferior to my teammates because I think that I am: dumb

(2) I feel inferior to my friend’s other group of people because I think that I am not lovable

(3) I am inferior because I think that I am not good enough