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anita

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  • in reply to: A little mixed up. Any advice ? #351512

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sun stuck behind a grey cloud:

    It is refreshing to read a light-hearted, lol-ed post these heavy pandemic days.

    “when we first started dating, we were totally obsessed with each other. He always told me I was perfect… Coming into the now, I have pretty much been quarantining with him and his family, and over .. the past few days, we have been arguing”-

    – seems to me that the two of you are as perfect as can be for each other because you survived this quarantine so far with only a few days arguing, and with you not losing your light hearted attitude and humor, so evident in your original post.

    My advice: stop the arguing so to keep your good quarantine record with your boyfriend and his family. Instead of arguing, Communicate with an EAR (Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect).

    anita

    in reply to: My head or my heart? #351508

    anita
    Participant

    Dear anonymous03:

    First priority is for you to survive being with your mother “together all day due to lockdown”. All day with your mother, no break, that’s a very, very distressing situation (previous thread).

    1. If there is a way for you to get outside for a walk a few times per day, do so, quick, fast walk so to get a break, fresh air, some feel-good chemicals secreted into your blood as a result, that will be best for you.

    2. Realize that you are living with an emotionally disturbed and an emotionally disturbing (abusive) person: your mother. She is not a reasonable, calm, stable individual. What you share with her will get back to bite you, so limit your communication with her to practical issues. When she asks you personal questions give her a one-two word answers.

    * When your mother screams at you, if you are sitting down, stand up tall and strong, look into her eyes intently, and say with a strong voice: do not ever scream at me again, do you understand: do not ever scream at me again!

    Repeat this every time she screams at you. Notice: don’t scream back at her; instead use a strong voice and body language as I suggested above.

    3. Consider the following thought: you don’t owe your mother anything; she owes you a lot for having abused you for so long. You owe her nothing. You don’t owe her to get married. You owe her nothing. Take in this thought while taking in a few slow, deep breaths every once in a while.

    4. Regarding A and B: question is who of the two can be your ally in your very difficult situation (being with your mother 24/7). Did you express to any of them your great distress over living with an abusive, unstable mother for so long and did any of them express sympathy for you? The one who did express sympathy for you (or will if you tell him of your situation), is the one you should seek as a friend at this time.

    Explain to either A or B, or both, your situation: in a respectful way (so that you don’t feel guilty about talking disrespectfully about your mother), but honestly, truthfully. Then wait for the man’s reaction. If he is supportive to you, take it from there. You need an ally at this point, not a boyfriend!

    This is not the time for you to make relationship choices.

    * I just read your update: when she tells you that you are all that she has etc., tell her: then don’t ever scream at all-that-you-have, and stop-making-all-that-you-have so miserable by crying and complaining to me!

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    in reply to: How do I respond to this? #351448

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Heytherepumpkin:

    Who sent you this message and what are the circumstances around it?

    anita

    in reply to: How do I deal with hatred and anger? #351446

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Maria:

    As I understand it, your father paid for your initial immigration process and financially helped you otherwise until you moved in with your boyfriend. I don’t understand: why do you believe that a father is financially responsible for his adult daughter?

    * The only issue that you brought up regarding your father is a financial issue. I wonder about the nature of your relationship with your father otherwise,  throughout the years.

    anita

    in reply to: Crushed. Battered. Exhausted. Confused. #351420

    anita
    Participant

    Dear anonymous03:

    Your mother and mine have lots in common, and so do you and I, as a result. But our mothers are not identical, of course, and therefore I am keeping it in mind, so to not project my mother into yours.

    Who was your mother before you came into her life/ who she is with no connection to who you are: “this angry and anxious person.. an ultra- introvert, has barely any friends, doesn’t speak to relatives much”-

    – anxious and angry, non-assertive at work and elsewhere outside her own home, she feels powerless, a victim of people and circumstances. She keeps her anger in while at work because she is afraid to confront people at work; she may get angry at the post office or at the supermarket, etc., feeling that she was not treated well,  but she keeps the hurt and anger in, because she is afraid to confront the people  in the post office and supermarket etc., she is afraid of people.

    And then she goes home (“Something happened at work, she’d come home”). At home she is no longer afraid because she is not afraid of you, not when you were a child, and not now; she was not afraid to yell at you then, and she is not afraid to yell at you now (“I always got yelled at. As a child.. As I grew older, the yelling continued”).

    Angry at work, she controls her anger until she gets home; at home she feels comfortable to finally express her anger and feel better for having done so:  “she’d come home and scream at me for something as silly as my bag being on the couch. After she’d scream, her mood would drastically flip onto a positive one”.

    You wrote: “Don’t get me wrong: she loves me and takes care of me in every way she can”- I am sure she sometimes feels affection for you, but that affection doesn’t stop her from hurting you repeatedly and knowingly. This occasional affection is a compartmentalized kind of affection– it doesn’t interrupt her hateful behavior toward you (“I always got the full force of her anger… she screams a lot…She scolds for the same thing again and again… She comments on my body, how I am too skinny, how my hair is too thin… She’d also give me the cold treatment: not looking at me, not answering me, behaving like I don’t even exist, if she would look at me, it would only be to look at me with absolute hatred”).

    She is not afraid of you, and she doesn’t value you as a person with your own hurt feelings and fears, as a person who loves her so much, or as a person with rights  (“She’s breached my privacy too, reading my diaries”).

    She feels that you are her own to do  with as she pleases, her belonging, a someone or something with no one to turn to and complain about her (she will not yell at a child outside home for fear of the child’s parent).

    “She tells me I am her only source of happiness”- you are her only belonging, outside of furniture and other inanimate objects, that is an interactive kind of belonging, one that is useful in ways others belongings are not.

    I will be glad to continue to communicate with you further. I will be back to the computer in a few hours from now.

    anita

     

     

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    in reply to: I need Help…Again! #351392

    anita
    Participant

    Dear IpkR09:

    1. Regarding drama with your boyfriend: you wrote that “your love for drama” were his words to you.  You wrote to him: “I am sorry for all the discomfort I have caused you from my love for drama.. I know you want silence and peace”.

    You wrote about your boyfriend on Dec 2018 that he was “polite and respectful and understanding and encouraging.. patient with people, took time to understand matters and tried solving things… a rather ethical man and unfortunately a people pleaser”-

    – there is no reason for you to be dramatic with him: he is polite and respectful, understanding, ethical and patient- why stress him  out and disturb him with your dramatic behavior?

    Leave him in peace!!!

    2. Regarding your drama with your sister: your sister is very, very different from your polite, respectful, understanding, ethical and patient boyfriend. She is the extreme opposite: impolite, disrespectful, doesn’t bother to understand others; she is selfish, unethical and impatient:  “my sister never discusses anything.. it’s always she speaking her mind and then walking off”. When you asked for her approval regarding your boyfriend, she went back on her word to you, approving your boyfriends then she didn’t: “she totally went back on her words”.

    She talked badly about you and about your boyfriend to your parents, and she talked badly about your boyfriend to his own friends and flat mates, behind his back: “painted the worst kind of image of the guy.. poisoned their minds against me in general and then against the guy.. She ruined his reputation amongst his friends, their mutual friends, and his flat mates… naturally she knew his secrets. She bared them all to his friends”.

    She invaded your privacy as if it is her right to do so, and she is vengeful: “She had gone through my old phone when I was in college.. She saw my conversations with my ex and shared them with my mother and when she saw even that didn’t bother me, then with my dad as well.”

    You wrote the above about your sister in Dec 2018 and April 2019. A year later, April 2020, you wrote: “My sister keeps complaining about me, every time I see her alone with one of my parents, I hear her talking about me- how I am not as I seem a I am and how I am a very convoluted person. Soon even when I was sitting in the room, she will start complaining.. whenever she is complaining, I keep quiet, both my parents as well because if I speak, it turns into a full-fledged fight and they don’t want”.

    It is understandable that when in her company, you get dramatic: “when she went overboard, I started screaming, I screamed for her to stop talking first then just to leave me alone.. She doesn’t know when to stop and my mind explodes”.

    You wrote that this drama with her was not motivated by you needing attention, and I believe you: I believe that you don’t want your sister’s aggressive attention!

    3. Here is what is not making sense in your story: that you and your boyfriend, knowing who your sister is, want her approval for anything at all.

    What is the point of you and him gaining all that formal, higher education (him being a software engineer and you working on another MBA), what is the use of all that information the two of you are acquiring, if you don’t apply this basic piece of information: it is very unwise to look for the approval of an unethical, vengeful, selfish person; it is very unwise to choose to give power to a person who has the long history of abusing her power.

    I believe that you should never live with your sister, and if she lives with your parents, then you need to not live with your parents. Living away from her, and otherwise not being in her presence, you will have the opportunity to have peace of mind, and to expand this peace of mind to your boyfriend, future husband and children, if you choose to have children.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    in reply to: COVID-19: let's try to understand it better #351322

    anita
    Participant

    Dear isabelle;

    Good to have you here on  my thread, what a pleasant surprise!

    You wrote: “Chloroquine and other drug of that family seems to work.. Here politics and famous people take it when they are infected but not the ‘little’ people”-

    – There is no cure for Covid-19 at this time. Some drugs are in development, but none has been approved.

    – I don’t think that anyone infected with Covid-19, in their right mind, would take Chloroquine because this is an anti-malaria drug, it has never been approved to treat Covid-19, it is not even close to being approved. Plus, an April 13 article in irishtimes. com titled “chloroquine study on covid-19 patients halted over risk of heart complications”, reads:

    “A small study in Brazil was halted early for safety reasons after coronavirus patients taking a higher dose of chloroquine developed irregular hear rates that increased their risk of a potentially fatal heart arrhythmia (an abnormal heart rhythm)”.

    So, you see, it would be dangerous to take Chloroquine for Covid-19!

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    in reply to: COVID-19: let's try to understand it better #351314

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Reader:

    Using the numerical and graph data from www. worldometers. info/ coronavirus, and my calculator, here are three countries doing well or better, as far as the containment of Covid-19:

    1. China:  there are currently only 959 active cases. Of the total cases of over 82 thousands, 98.84% of the cases closed (94% recovered and 6% died).

    2. South Korea: there are currently 2,051 active cases. Of the total cases of over ten thousand,  80.84% of the cases closed (97.2% recovered and 2.8% died).

    3. New Zealand: there are currently only 370  active cases. Of the total cases of over one thousand,  74.5% of the cases closed (98.5% recovered, 1.5% died)

    A bit more about the three countries, looking at the Total Cases Graphs, the Daily New Cases Graphs, and the Active Cases Graphs for each country:

    1. China’s daily new cases graph peaked Feb 12 & 13 has gone down ever since. China’s active cases graph peaked Feb 18 and went down 98% from Feb 18 to April 22, with an average of  53 less active cases per day.

    * March 30 (marketplace. org): “Nearly all of China’s major industrial companies have reportedly resumed production… Cars and people are back on the streets of Shanghai. The parks are open and simple stuff like going to the movies or visiting a tourist hotspot is gradually being allowed again. Over the weekend, however, officials ordered them to close to prevent the risk of new infection”.

    2. South Korea’s daily new case graph peaked repeatedly: Feb 29, March 3, March 5, March 11, and a few more lesser peaks afterwards before flattening . Its active cases graph peaked March 11 and went down all the way to April 21, with an average decrease of 126 active cases per day.

    *April 19, “Seoul (Reuters)- South Koreans are returning to work and crowding shopping malls, parks, golf courses and some restaurants as South Korea relaxes social distancing rules… a growing list of companies.. ended or eased their work from home policy in recent weeks, though many continue to apply flexible working hours and limit travel and face-to-face meetings”.

    3. New Zealand’s daily new cases graph peaked March 28, April 2, April 5,  April 8, April 10, and gone down since. The active cases graph peaked April 9 and went down an average decrease of 35 active cases per day.

    *April 20 (Washingtontimes. com): “New Zealand next Monday will ease its lockdown restrictions from ‘Level 4’ to ‘Level 3’ as officials believe the worst of the coronavirus outbreak in the country has passed”.

    My notes: containing Covid-19 in each country means to have the vast majority of active cases closed, and monitoring and containing a minimal number of active cases; then ease up economic and social restrictions gradually, monitoring new infections, bringing back restrictions where concerns arise, and so forth.

    * *The growing numbers of recovered Covid-19 patients is encouraging as far as plasma being collected and used to treat severe cases of Covid-19 (currently collections of plasma and its use to treat severe cases are in practice), and to be used for research in regard to using plasma for possible treatment of all Covid-19 patients.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    in reply to: How do I stop caring what others think? #351310

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    You are welcome. I am fine, thank you, taking my daily walk still, about 5.5 km on the mountainous wooded area around my home.

    “I think I have learnt a lot about myself in the past year and am now less confused”- this is the hallmark of mental health: learning about yourself (and others) and gaining clarity. In my experience, gaining clarity; no longer being confused, has been a huge relief, a precious experience.

    “The feelings of worthlessness are still there and come up sometimes”- these take a long time to lessen, it can’t happen quickly and it can’t be rushed. Being alarmed by the return of these feelings and resisting them will maintain them. Accepting them while understanding more and more that these feelings of worthlessness do not indicate reality, is the key.

    “I have two sides inside me: one prefers to be alone, the other really needs connections”- the middle way would be being alone a lot and socializing a little, “a small group of close friends and a meaningful loving relationship” reads to me like the right kind of middle-way for you, and I see it as very possible for you!

    anita

    in reply to: Need some advice #351306

    anita
    Participant

    Dear User34:

    You are welcome. Looking at our earliest and most powerful relationship/s by far, the one with a parent, or parents,  can help in being able to form healthy and loving romantic relationships as adults. If you want, you can share and we’ll take it from here.

    anita

    in reply to: Do I respond? What now? #351304

    anita
    Participant

    Dear liss:

    It is interesting how you refer to a man with whom you had a supposed loving relationship,  as the violent creature  who did the following violent things to you:

    – “He ripped my heart out of my chest a second time”.

    – “he has dug his claws into me yet again”.

    – “This man destroyed me”.

    You asked for “some type of guidance right now, I am not strong enough alone”-

    No wonder you are not strong enough, having had  your heart ripped out of your chest twice and claws digging into you.

    He dumped you in Oct 2019, saying he fell out of love with you. In Dec he told you that he had feelings for another woman for a very long time, and in April 2020, after a separation of four months or so,  he texted you that he is sorry. As a result of this text, you are worse than being “back at square one”-  you “spiraled a few steps back”.

    My input: this guy is not as powerful as you feel that he is: he didn’t really reap your heart out of your chest, not literally and not figuratively. He is a young, immature man who is not ready for the type of relationship that you need. I understand that your feelings are intense, but don’t be fooled by your feelings: this guy is not a super power with claws digging into you, ripping your heart out of your chest and causing you, with one text, to spiral a few steps back.

    Relax best you can and think of this guy as .. a guy, just a guy, not more powerful than you, a girl. Do you see where I am going with this?

    anita

    in reply to: I need Help…Again! #351276

    anita
    Participant

    Dear IpkR09:

    Let’s look into it then. But to look into it, you will need to be calm, so before you read or re-read what I wrote to you above and what I write to you next, take a few deep breaths, and relax. We can’t think clearly when anxious, so do calm down and be back to your thread when you are calm. When you are calm, do answer the following questions:

    1. You wrote: “I think I agree with you. But I don’t even get to know if I have created some kind of Drama”-

    – if you agree with me that you love drama (your words: “my love for drama”), then how is it that you don’t even know if you created any kind of drama; in other words, did you or did you not create drama in your relationship with this man as well as in your home hitting yourself, etc.?

    2. You wrote: “I am not enjoying it, not with him, not with others”-

    – if so, what did you mean by “I am planning day and night another dramatic stint to disturb other people’s lives and how I enjoy the mental trauma others go through”?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    in reply to: I fell out of love for no reason and i need help #351270

    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, YI. Post again if you need to, anytime.

    anita

    in reply to: I need Help…Again! #351266

    anita
    Participant

    Dear IpkR09:

    “I question the universe everyday, why? Why I couldn’t have a normal love story.. Why I couldn’t get the man I so wanted in my life to take care of each other, to live alongside as partners.. to have a family with me”?

    You answered your own question in this thread: “I am sorry for all the discomfort I have caused you from my love for drama“.. I know you want silence and peace”.

    The answer to your question: you don’t have a calm, stable love relationship with him because you love drama and he wants silence and peace.

    Here is some of your love for drama as you described in this thread: “I am planning day and night another dramatic stint to disturb other people’s lives and how I enjoy the mental trauma others go through by fighting…It is drama…I remember the actions of my body but I don’t remember what was going in my mind an what I was thinking regarding the action. I screamed and screamed. As if I was being killed. Kept hitting my head with my hands.. I kept hitting myself till my mum came and held both my hands. I pushed her away a little, then sister came and held my hands… I was crying and on the floor begging… I ran towards the terrace.. I started hitting the back of my head on the wooden swing in my drawing room.. I kept crying till I stopped being able to breathe and heavy breathing started, they got scared and bought me water and forced fed me water.. nearly busted my head open by hitting it”.

    Here is some of your love for drama from your previous thread, May 2018 (regarding a breakup with a previous long distance boyfriend): “Please help me!.. He said he felt like I was an emotional baggage.. the fact that I could not even stay away for three days makes him think he made the right decision.. he hung up  on me. He texted me later that he was sorry that he hung up but he could not take it… We used to break up in initial days to get back together within 20 mins to an hour.. In the afternoon he called and said that let’s stop the dramatics“.

    Here is some of your love for drama from your previous thread, December 2018, regarding your new boyfriend: “I warned this guy too that due to such reasons, there will be a lot of drama and stress. ”

    And from April 2019, about the same new boyfriend: “He is unhappy still that my sister does not approve.. he had expressed his lover for me and in fact, wants to get married to me as well. I, however, don’t want to rush things with him.. me and my guy got into a nasty fight. Although we recovered but he said let’s take things slow.. and let the hurt go away.. He seems mentally exhausted. Now, I recover fast from any kind of issues.. but he takes more time”-

    – he wanted to marry you, but you love drama and you recover fast from drama, but your drama exhausted him. Not to say that this man or the man before him were perfect (the previous boyfriend was rude and cruel at times), but even if you were involve with a perfect man, your love for drama would ruin the relationship.

    Here is what psychologytoday. com has in a blog on “excessive attention seeking and drama addiction”: “Drama causes (the brain) to secrete endorphins, which are the pain-suppressing and pleasure inducing compounds, which heroin an other opiates mimic… since drama uses the same mechanism in the brain as opiates, people can easily  become addicted to drama. Like any addiction, you build up a tolerance that continuously requires more to get the same neurochemical effect… you need more and more crises to get the same thrill.”-

    -as you were “crying and on the floor begging.. ran towards the terrace.. started hitting the back of my head” etc., these very behaviors that appear as being motivated by pain, are really motivated by pleasure. How strange, isn’t it: people observing these behaviors are likely to think that pain is the motivation, while in reality pleasure is the motivation.

    The people that did observe these behaviors were your sister, your mother, papa (your father or your grandfather, I don’t know). In previous threads you shared that when you were born, a second daughter, your paternal grandfather was displeased that you were a baby girl  and wanted you to be given away for adoption. Your mother arranged for her mother to take you in. Years later you were returned to your parents and paternal grandfather’s home. Your older sister by five years, somehow took the leadership in the family aggressively and has been abusive to you lifetime. You wrote that your greatest fear has been to be left alone.

    I suppose drama brings you the attention you crave, having people there with you, focused on you; grabbing their attention via drama keeps them there with you.

    anita

     

     

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    in reply to: History on Repeat #351150

    anita
    Participant

    Thank you, Zeeza, I appreciate your fast reply. I will read it later, after my walk. I will look forward to the next time you post. Take good care of yourself!

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 27,874 total)