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It makes me think, reading your post, that in this difficult situation you are in- you need new courage- courage to withstand and overcome the fear, get on the other side of the fear of being alone, of not knowing what to do…
Unlike the comment maker above i do not believe you should spend time trying to feel empathy for the person who purposefully hurt you like you described. it is time to GET AWAY from that person, to protect yourself from that person. it is not time to forgive but to get away. In my life, feeling empathy for the person who abused me only kept me STUCK in relationship with that person and prevented my getting away and from healing from that abuse.
Something in your share and search to rebuild your world reminds me of the original Never Ending Story, a movie 1984. The land of Fantasia was destroyed by the Nothing and all that was left of it was one grain of sand. ALL was gone, all the creatures and the beauty of the vast, limitless land except for one single grain of sand. What now, the child hero asked the child goddess? She said: you can re-build a whole NEW land of Fantasia from that one grain of sand. I am very much in that process at the present time, going back to basics, I think it is about looking at the same things I looked at before, what is in front of me now, with a Beginner’s Mind; not from the points of views of old assumptions, old false beliefs, distorted thinking…. not looking at stuff from what I SHOULD be seeing…
Does any of this mean anything special for you?
i was a teacher in secondary schools, inner city(The LA Unified Schood District). The abuse by students was REAL: the occasional throwing of objects at me, sometimes life threatening, the breaking into my car, breaking window, stealing equipment, the stealing of cash from my purse, repeatedly… the calling me names, the verbal abuse and torture, really… The lack of support by administration and actually the administration …punished for the abuse by students by writing me up for not controlling the classes. It was the wrong job for me. i kept doing it, kept taking the abuse and amazed at the same time that my qualification for the job was TAKING ABUSE.
My input regarding your post is to not take the abuse you suffered at the inner city school personally, as if it was the failing of your performance.