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anita

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  • in reply to: I\'m not sure where to post this… #351796

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Boris1010:

    My retelling of your story (it helps me process information when I do that):

    You think of yourself as having been a “normal ten-year-old”, before your parents split up and your “whole world came crashing down”. As a result you became “intensely shy, withdrawn, socially awkward and timid boy”.

    At some point, you were diagnosed with “an extremely high-functioning Asperger’s”. You joined the Navy and got married at about 19. In your 30s you’ve been seasonally depressed, and clinically depressed at about 36 and onward.  You were prescribed anti-depressants but “very little relief.. or progress”.

    “The more depressed I became, the more emotionally numb I became, absolutely indifferent to people.. just neutral, numb, indifferent. Plodding, marching… but never dancing.. Things are either bad, or not  bad, but never good. I absolutely cannot remember the last time I was excited over something, or eagerly looking forward to something”. In your 48 year marriage, you perfected the art of being a doormat (your words), and you played a supportive role. You “don’t feel much of anything for her.. never really did”, it’s a matter of “a loyalty/ obligation thing”, and you are aware that she had a series of extramarital affairs, or relationships.

    At 67, you met a 52 year old woman in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and you experienced what I would call an emotional awakening: “joy, anticipation, eagerness, a fierce desire to protect and nurture.. it’s like she threw some switch that somehow turned on all those emotions… I find myself crying.. or  just in joy of being alive. I finally feel alive and happy”.

    The two of you are friends. She genuinely likes you. She is living in her own room, while her husband intends to divorce her, and you are living with your wife. The two of you did not proceed toward a romantic/love relationship yet and keep contact via text, phone and Zoom.

    You wrote: “The thought, now, of going back into that dead, gray emotional void is just intolerable.. this is the emotional equivalent of the ‘bottom’ you hear alcoholics and addicts talk about, that turning point where they are forced to change.. emotions are not something I am accustomed to dealing with.. I simply do not know what to do, where to turn”.

    My thoughts, my input: my overly simplistic suggestion would be: go for it, absolutely, live life, take this opportunity to truly live! You don’t have minor age children that you are responsible for, and your wife cheated on you multiple times, so.. go for this opportunity to experience a life worth living!

    It is overly simplistic because emotional awakening is not a simple or easy process, it takes time and it requires support throughout.

    The reason you shut down emotionally early on in life, starting 46 years ago, was that the emotions you experienced were so distressing that your brain/body shut down: minimize emotions= minimize distress.

    When a person gets injured and becomes paralyzed, it takes a lot of physical therapy work to start walking again and it involves lots of effort and lots of pain. Similarly, for you to experience emotions again on an ongoing basis, it will take lots of work and pain, and someone there to help you.

    I will be glad to communicate with you further, I have a lot more to say, more than one post should contain, so let me know what you think and I will be glad to reply to you every time you post.

    anita

    in reply to: COVID-19: let's try to understand it better #351790

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Reader:

    CLOSED CASES of Covid-19 are cases that were resolved, either by recovery or by death. The following is a list of country in order of highest percentage of closed cases ending in death to the lowest:

    Norway: 7,527 Cases, 237 (31%) of those are closed cases: Recovered 14%, Dead 86%.

    Sweden: 18,926 cases, 3,279 (17%) of those are closed cases: Recovered 31% and Dead 69%.

    Ukraine: 9,009 cases, 1,443 (16%) of those are closed cases: Recovered 60%, Dead 40%.

    Philippines: 7,777 cases, 1,443 (19%) of those are closed cases: Recovered 65%, Dead 35%.

    France: 162,100 cases, 67,759 (42%) if those are closed cases: Recovered 66%, Dead 34%.

    USA:  991,071 cases, 176,001 (18%) of those are closed cases: Recovered: 68%, Dead 32%.

    Italy: 197,675 total cases, 91,572 (46%) of those are closed:   Recovered 71%, Dead 29%.

    Jamaica: 350 cases, 35 (10%) of those are closed cases: Recovered 80%, Dead 20%.

    Poland:  11,761 cases, 3,005 (26%) of those are closed cases: Recovered 82%, Dead 18%.

    Spain: 229,422 cases, 144,353 (63%) of those are closed cases: Recovered 84%, Dead 16% .

    Canada: 47,319 cases, 20,463 (43%) of those are closed cases: Recovered 87%, Dead 13%.

    Brazil: 63,328 cases,  34,450 (54%) of those are closed cases: Recovered 88%, Dead <b>12%</b>.

    India: 28,380 cases,  7,409 (26%) of those are closed cases: Recovered 88%, Dead 12%.

    Kenya: 363 cases,  128 (35%) of those are closed cases: Recovered 89%, Dead 11%.

    Denmark: 8,698 cases, 6,386 (73%) of those are closed cases: Recovered 93% and Dead 7%.

    Finland: 4,695 cases, 2,693 (57%) of those are closed cases: Recovered 93%, Dead 7%.

    China: 82,830 total cases, 82,107 (99%  ) of those are closed cases: Recovered 94%, Dead <b>6%</b>.

    Germany 158,142 cases, 120,485 (76%) of those are closed cases: Recovered 95%, Dead 5%.

    South Korea: 10,738 cases,  9,007 (84%) of those are closed cases: Recovered 97%, Dead 3%.

    Israel: 15,466 cases, 6,998 (45%) of those are closed cases: Recovered 97%, Dead 3%.

    Thailand: 2,931 cases, 2,661 (91%) of those are closed cases: Recovered 98%, Dead 2%.

    New Zealand: 1,469 cases, 1,199 (82%) of those are closed cases: Recovered 98%, Dead 2%.

    Australia: 6,720 cases, 5,669 (84%) of those are closed cases: Recovered 99%, Dead 1%.

    Hong Kong: 1,038 cases, 791 (76%) of those are closed cases: Recovered 99%, Dead 1%.

    Singapore: 14,423 cases, 1,072 (7.4%) of those are closed cases: Recovered 99%, Dead 1%.

    Greenland: 11 cases, 11 (100%) of those are closed cases: Recovered 100%, Dead 0%.

    Vietnam: 270 cases, 225 (83%) of those are closed cases: Recovered 100%, Dead 0%.

    My Notes/ Study:

    1. The numbers are from worldometers (worldometers. info/ coronavirus/ country). Numbers are being continuously updated and have changed since I started typing this post.

    2. The completeness and accuracy of the number being reported by different countries vary: in some countries the numbers are very inaccurate because testing is lower and -many Covid-19 cases are not detected, confirmed, treated and/ or reported.

    3. China, where the pandemic originated, is the country with the first Covid-19 cases in the world (Nov 2019, before the virus and disease were identified),  where a strict lockdown happened before any restrictions and lockdowns were implemented in any country (Jan 23, 2020), where the Active Cases Graph peaked (the worst of the pandemic) sooner than in any country (Feb 17). This is also the country with the most recovery from Covid-19 with 99% of all cases being closed (Patients recovered or dead).

    Current deaths: 4,633, divided by total current cases of 82,830, gives 0.0559, which, rounded is 5.6% death rate. Because 99% of all cases are closed, the death rate that I calculated here is very close to the death rate calculated by worldometers (number of recoveries divided by number of closed cases), which is 6%. China is the closest to a post- pandemic country, therefore the numbers and calculations in regard to China are more accurate than in other countries.

    The death rate in different parts of China varies, greater in Wuhan than in other cities and provinces, depending on these variables: population density, number of older people, number of people with pre existing health conditions, number of people smoking, air pollution, household composition (ex.: single person household vs. multi-generational households), social behavior (ex.: people staying home vs going out a lot), travel in between areas, etc.

    The death rate therefore in different areas within one country, and in different countries is (and will be determined post- pandemic) different.

    4. The death rate in an area at the beginning of a pandemic is way higher than what will be calculated after the pandemic is over: it was the highest in China on Feb, about three months after the very first cases of Nov 2019 And it has been so far, the highest for the USA in April 14- April 23, about 3 months after the first cases of later January 2020. The death rate to be calculated after the pandemic will be lower than it was at the peak of the pandemic in each area.

    5. The death rate in one city can differ according to population density within different neighborhoods. Often there are multiple Covid-19 cases and deaths within community-living situations, from large, multi generational families (ex., young adults in rural areas living with their parents and grandparents but commuting to cities like Milan to work and socialize, and Italians tend to greet each other with an embrace and kisses), to religious communities living together in crowded neighborhoods (ex. Borough Park, a neighborhood in Brooklyn, New York City, with the largest Orthodox Jewish community outside of  Israel), and nursing homes (ex., Kirkland, Washington State, USA).

    6. The death rate in any one area and country has a lot to do  with the health care system: how likely is a Covid-19 patient to be admitted to a hospital, and how capable is the hospital to treat the patient effectively (availability of beds, equipment, materials, staff). When health care is severely inadequate, people die without any public record of infection and death. When health care is adequate, there are more recoveries and less deaths than otherwise.

    — More on the above numbers and more of my notes later.

    anita

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by  anita.
    in reply to: History on Repeat #351746

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    I suggest that you ask the coworker, in a casual tone, in a friendly way: when we played the rock-paper- scissor game the other day, you told me that I am mentally five, remember? I was wondering what you meant by it?

    If he needs assistance with the question, say: I was wondering if you think that I am immature, or childish (or whatnot).

    Bring it up so to find out what he meant, maybe he meant it in a good way, that you are fun to be around. You took it negatively, but maybe he meant it positively. And if he meant it negatively, it will be an opportunity for you to get specific information, as in: what about me does this person view to be immature?

    Regarding the homeless: they need housing and mental health services, both. Illegal drug use and addiction particularly will require intensive treatment. I don’t think it’s a good idea to give homeless people money because it encourages panhandling and the money may very well be used for drugs, so you end up hurting them when giving them money. Better offer a homeless person a sandwich than give him money.

    What is happening with the STP man, is he still punching, figuratively?

    anita

     

    in reply to: Help! #351744

    anita
    Participant

    Dear kiwiboy0897:

    You wrote last month about your partner: “I keep questioning whether or not he is going to leave me and have this impending fear that he will.. the thought of my partner simply being friends with Steve scares me.. I can’t shake the fear.. the thought still scares me”-

    -you are afraid that your partner will leave you for Steve. I will next refer to all your thoughts relating to your partner leaving you for Steve as your Fixation, adjective: fixated, verb: fixate. (I could refer to it as your Obsession, but I am choosing Fixation instead).

    Whenever you are fixated, you feel scared; whenever you are anxious/ uncomfortable about anything, you tend to fixate.

    What to do:

    When you find yourself fixated, do the breathing-through-the-nose meditation: it is very simple, all you have to do is to focus on your nose, on the air going into your nose and out of your nose. Don’t force your breathing to be slower or deeper, just be aware of it and focus on it. This will give you a time-out from the fixation. After you feel calm, it will be possible for you to choose to not fixate next.

    When you are already fixating and anxious, it is almost impossible to stop fixating. This is why you need the time out, it is necessary. Only when you are calm, as a result of the time-out, you can choose to not fixate.

    Otherwise, when you notice that you are anxious/ uncomfortable (ex: hearing news about the pandemic, feeling too full after a meal, needing a shower, feeling tired…), do the breathing-through-the-nose meditation.

    And don’t expect to never fixate again, take care of this moment only, and the next, one moment at a time and enjoy the calm when you are not fixating.

    * It will also help if you find a way to express your childhood fear, maybe through art, drawing or painting, for the purpose of containing your fear in the time and place where it originated, so to free the here and now from that original fear. It takes time, of course, but better start the process. For example (and it is only an example, you choose what suits you): draw in a simplistic way, circle for head, lines for arms and legs, your father throwing a glass cup at your older sister’s face, and her face bleeding; draw your father with that other woman, the family friend,  and your mother at a distance looking at them; or draw your mother sad but pretending like everything is okay.

    And post again anytime!

    anita

     

    .

    in reply to: Help! #351740

    anita
    Participant

    Dear kiwiboy0897:

    Two days ago, you wrote: “I have almost mentally relapsed or reverted back to bad thinking habits”- this was to be expected. Even if today, as you are reading my words here, you are feeling good, not at all worried about your partner and Steve, it is only a matter of time before you will worry again. Anxiety and fixating/ obsessing go together like peas and carrots; they don’t just disappear because you understand something today that you didn’t understand yesterday, or because you feel good today.

    Fixating/ obsessing (I used the term OCD before, but I want to avoid the diagnostic term today because you weren’t diagnosed with OCD, as far as I know) is a habit of the mind. At this point, your fixation on Steve and your partner is a mental habit which is very, very hard to break.

    It may help when you fixate, if you read our previous communications here on your thread: the analogies of the itch that needs to be scratched, the elevator, these helped you in the past, and may help you again. The fact that you got fixated again doesn’t mean that what helped you before wasn’t helpful, it just means that you need to re-read it/ take it in again.

    I want this post to sink in a bit, so I will separate it from my next post. Please read my next post after you absorb this one.

    anita

     

    in reply to: Regret breaking up with him #351734

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Riya:

    You are welcome, and I appreciate your kind words. I do hope you re-focus on your career. There may be moments when you will feel guilty again (once felt it tends to be felt again), but when it happens repeat reality to yourself, and if you want my take on reality, post again.

    anita

    in reply to: Regret breaking up with him #351676

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Riya:

    You are very welcome.

    “he was easy to get angry, he never used to get angry on me, he used to treat me like a princess”, and then he got angry at you. When he got angry at you, he didn’t treat you like a princess: “this time he was so angry on me and he started.. hitting on my insecurities.. Then he ended the conversation after him saying a few cuss word to me”-

    – the Princess treatment was temporary to begin with, it was a time limited princess treatment. The princess treatment was conditional on things going his way. It was only a matter of time before you were to fall from Princess to Unworthy.

    This is how I imagine your life with him if you were to marry him: he would  have treated you like a princess again until the next time you don’t do things his way. Over time you will feel more and more guilty, as if you are responsible for his change of treatment.

    This Princess-> Unworthy treatment is a manipulative strategy aimed to break down a person, so that the person submits to the manipulator. It is not a strategy necessarily born from a cold hearted contemplation, but it’s a strategy that people somehow learn and adopt.

    Imagine if you had children with him, he would manipulate his own children this way and cause them much harm. Children suffer more deeply than adults, so  imagine how much your children would have suffered to fall from the high position of Prince or Princess to Unworthy, again and again, repeatedly.

    I have no doubt that you made the right decision to break up with him. But please be cautious when you encounter people in the future who will use your empathy and your strong sense of personal responsibility against you, like he has done.

    “I’m feeling so guilty that I made a person suffer so much who has once treated me like a princess and appreciated my journey of being strong in life, started saying.. I deserve difficulties like those depressing phases in my  life”- his manipulation worked on you: he got you to feel guilty, and that would be your state of mind as a married woman, if you married him: guilty.

    He didn’t really appreciate your journey of being strong in life, he used the information you gave him (your struggle with a disease and how it strengthened you) against you when it suited him. His goal is not to encourage your strength but to weaken you, and he has succeeded to a point, because you are suffering, which is what he wanted.

    I hope you heal and recover from this bad experience, learn from it and gain your strength back!

    anita

     

    in reply to: COVID-19: let's try to understand it better #351666

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Reader:

    The world coronavirus cases is approaching 3 millions, deaths just above 200 thousands. Over 840 thousand people recovered from Covid-19 so far. Of the less than 2 million people sick with Covid-19, 97% experience mild symptoms and 3% experience serious or critical symptoms.

    China, where it started: there are currently 801 people infected with Covid-19. The number of recovered people is 96.6 times greater than the number of people who are currently infected, and 16.7 times the number of people who died. So far, 4,632 people died in China of Covid-19.

    The total cases graph started flattening Feb 18 and it appears almost flat since March 1. The daily new cases graph shows its greatest spike on Feb 12 with 14,108 new cases on that day, a 5 digit number. It went down to a 4 digit number the next day (5,090), almost half of that the next day, and lesser since. There were 143 new cases on March 5, 99 new cases on March 6, 44 new cases March 7, lesser two digit numbers all through a small spike of 108 new cases on April 12, then back to 2-digits. The next 3-digit spike was 325 new cases on April 17, then back to 2-digits, and 11 new cases today. The active cases graph peaked Feb 17 and currently and for some time, looks flat.

    January 10, the first death and 41 confirmed cases were reported in Wuhan. By Jan 22, the virus spread to major cities and provinces in China (571 cases, 17 deaths), plus cases were reported in other countries, from Hong Kong to the United States.

    On January 23, the central government of China imposed a lockdown in Wuhan (the capital of the central China province called Hubei, the most populous city in Central China with a population over 11 millions) and other cities in Hubei  in an effort to quarantine the center of the outbreak. This action is commonly referred to as the “Wuhan lockdown”. The WHO called the lockdown “unprecedented in public health history”. Travel restriction were imposed in between all the cities in Hubei, affecting about 57 million people. All public transport were suspended (buses, railways, flights, ferry services). Wuhan residents were not allowed to leave the city without permission from authorities (about 300,000 residents left Wuhan by train alone before the 10 am lockdown, a mass exodus). Major highways leaving Wuhan were shut down. All  non-essential companies were shut down.

    On Feb 2, a 7-day lockdown was implemented in which only one person per household was allowed to exit once each two days, and in which most of the highway exists were closed.

    Many areas across China (207 cities by Feb 12) implemented what is called “close management”: villages and communities kept one entrance and exit point open, and each household was allowed limited numbers (none in extreme cases) of entrances and exits. People entering and leaving were required to wear masks and receive temperature tests.

    On March 13, a couple of Hubei’s cities removed some of their strict travel restrictions. On March 25, Hubei lifted the lockdown outside of Wuhan, and on April 8, the Wuhan lockdown officially ended.

    www. cnn. com/ 2020/04/23/ asia/ Wuhan-coronavirus-after-lockdown:

    Wuhan, China, the epicenter of the pandemic: the first known cases of the virus were detected there in mid December 2019. It was the first city in the world to go into lockdown. The lockdown  lasted 76 days, and was lifted on April 8. Two weeks after the lifting, restaurants offer takeaway food and are not allowed eat-in dining.  Many stores, including Starbucks have moved their goods and services out onto the sidewalk to avoid the need for  customers to congregate inside. Barbers offer their services outdoors. Gyms are closed. Even after businesses reopened, there are not many customers. Walking down the street, almost everyone continued to practice social distancing.

    “there is nothing of the packed bustle which once- characterized Wuhan. For every opened shopfront, there is another one shuttered.. Checking into their hotel, the CNN team were required to give their travel history and had their temperature taken, before being sprayed down with disinfectant. by the hotel workers”.

    *Other resources for this post: worldometers and Wikipedia.

    anita

    in reply to: Regret breaking up with him #351590

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Riya:

    I have read the stories of hundreds of women in these forums, as I participate here every day for almost five years. As I read your post I was impressed by how reasonable you are, how fair you were with this man, how assertive, keeping your priorities in mind, and overall your level of maturity and reasonable thinking is rare in my experience, for a woman of any age!

    Reads to me that he is not mentally healthy. In other words, he is not well: he has shown not only an anger problem: becoming abusive when angry, but also a dishonestly manipulative streak as to not eat so that he contact you more often and get your attention. If he replaced you with another woman, it is fortunate that he did, fortunate for you, that is.

    If I was you, I would resume with him the same relationship you had with him earlier than last year at this time: “we never had any great interaction before it was just all.. casual meetings…. we have always been like strangers”.

    This was your first relationship, so please don’t lose your mental health and reasonable thinking following this one short relationship with a man who is not well. You deserve so much better than this: a relationship with a man who will match your level of health and maturity, reasonable thinking and assertiveness.

    The woman he is engaged to, maybe she will be okay with him, but I don’t think you would be okay if you married him: if you married him your advantages in life would have been lost. Congratulations for breaking up with him: there are better things awaiting you in life, on the other side of the pandemic.

    Post again any time you want to post.

    anita

     

    in reply to: COVID-19: let's try to understand it better #351556

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Reader:

    * Regarding the anti-malaria medication Chloroquine, I was wrong: it was used in hospitals around the world for treatment of Covid-19 as an off-label medication. It is a common practice to use a  medication  that was approved to treat condition X (ex: malaria), for condition Y (ex: Covid-19), but such is supposed to be done in a monitored way, paying close attention to see if it helps more than it harms.

    In case of Chloroquine, the study in Brazil that I mentioned above resulted in Covid-19 patients who took the medication developing potentially fatal irregular heart beat. A recent article in  www. newsweek. com/ Swedish-hospitals-chloroquine-covid-19-side-effects reads: “Several hospitals in Sweden have reportedly stopped administered chloroquine to coronavirus patients following reports the drug was causing adverse side effects.. side effects reported to include cramps and the loss of peripheral vision”. (Therefore, I imagine that Chloroquine is no longer used as an off label Covid-19 medication in most if not all countries).

    * Sweden, where social isolation practices as well as hygiene practices are in effect, but no lockdown: there has been a significant increase in daily new cases on April 21, 22, 23 and 24 (an increase of 420 cases in four days, which is an average of 105 cases per day), and the active cases graph is still going up, not showing any flattening inclination. On the other hand, the other Scandinavian countries- they have lesser daily new cases recently, and their active cases graphs look better, with flattening movements.

    Reported today (worldometers): Sweden has 14,980 active cases; with a population of 10 millions, rounded, it’s 1,498 active cases per million population. Denmark has 2,358 active cases; with a population of 5.8 millions, it’s rounded: 407 active cases per million population. Norway has 7,260 active cases; with a population of 5.4 millions, rounded:1,344 active cases per million population, and Finland has 1,789 active cases; with a population of 5.5 millions, it’s rounded, 323 active cases per million population.

    Here is the comparison of active cases per million population: Sweden:  1,498, Denmark:407, Norway: 1,344, Finland: 323. Even though Denmark is much more densely populated than Sweden, Sweden has 3.7 times the number of active case per million population (M) than Denmark, slightly more than Norway’s and 4.6 times that of Finland.

    – the severity of the illness in those infected in Sweden has been greater than that in the other countries, and so has the number of death, currently 2,192 in Sweden (217 per 1 million population), 418 in Denmark (72 per 1 M), 201 in Norway (37 per M) and 186 in Finland (34 per M).

    Rounded, per population of 1 million, in Sweden there are 3 times the number of Covid-19 deaths than in Denmark (even though Denmark is much more populated),  6 times the number of deaths in Norway and in Finland, each. (It looks like, to me, that the non-lockdown policy brought about a greater severity of the disease and more deaths, that is, a higher death/ mortality rate).

    Looks like Denmark has done better than the others. A lockdown was established March 13, further restrictions established March 18. Finland declared a state of emergency March 16, a partial lockdown. Norway established a partial lockdown March 12, and Sweden recommended some restrictions, such as on March 24, restaurants were recommended to “increase the space between tables” (Wikipedia), but restaurants remained open.

    anita

     
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    in reply to: Crushed. Battered. Exhausted. Confused. #351544

    anita
    Participant

    Dear  anonymous03:

    I want to elaborate on what I wrote above: when your mother screams at you, she temporarily feels better, but she doesn’t feel better long term. Screaming is not helping her mental health; it makes her mental health worse. So if you stand up for yourself every time she screams at you,  you will not only be helping yourself, but you will possibly help her by taking away her .. addiction-to-screaming, which keeps her, and you, stuck.

    When she talks to you in the depressive manner that she does, if you try to say things to make her feel better, it also keeps her stuck in her addiction-to-complaining to you in that depressive manner. When she complains, say nothing. That way, she may figure out a different way to deal with her depression.

    It will be good not only for you, but for her, if you no longer respond in the same ways to her abusive and depressing  behaviors.

    * But what is best for you, by far, no doubt, is to live far, far away from your mother.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  anita.
    in reply to: Crushed. Battered. Exhausted. Confused. #351538

    anita
    Participant

    Dear anonymous03:

    Your mother is at times very anxious, at other times, she is very depressed, goes from anxiety to depression and from time to time she feels better for a short time, isn’t this the case?

    And she’s been this way before you came into her life- you didn’t cause her anxiety and depression: it’s not your fault. You didn’t cause it and you can’t fix it.

    It is possible for a person to be anxious and depressed, and yet, to not be abusive: to not take her anxiety, depression and anger out on another person, but your mother does take it all out on you, using you as a “punching bag” (your words).

    Thing is, as you allow her to use you as a punching bag, for example: allowing her to scream at you- she doesn’t get better. If screaming made her feel better, she would be happy by now!

    Stand up to her when she screams at you (like I suggested on your other thread), and don’t try to make her feel better. It is not in your power and it will result in you feeling worse.

    You have your own anxiety to deal with, your own anger, your own depression: focus on yourself. If you can help anyone, it is you who you can help. So help yourself.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  anita.
    in reply to: Emotional Learning Journey #351534

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Matthew:

    I agree with you that telling your parents that you wish they taught you to be tougher and stand up for yourself , “would not help with anything”. Plus, I say: it will hurt them unnecessarily. From all that you shared, your parents did (and continue to do) their best with you. I figure that they weren’t able to teach you to be tougher and stand up for yourself when bullied because either they were not bullied themselves as children or if they were bullied, they didn’t learn to be tougher and stand up for themselves. Therefore, they weren’t able to teach you what they didn’t know themselves.

    It seems to me that your troubles all stem from the following combination of factors:

    1. Your physical looks: “wearing glasses and being so thin”, which communicated to your aggressive peers (people about your age and about five years older), and to yourself that you are weaker than them (“I began feeling that I look and am weaker than others.., ‘hitting back’ was never an option because I was realistically aware of the fact that being physically inferior”).

    2. Experiencing an aggressive peer society: in school and on the streets (“mocked.. called names.. stopped on the street”, etc.).

    3. Experiencing no adequate help and protection from the aggressive-peer-society: your parents, teachers and a few peers tried to help you but they were all ineffective, plus the police was not a reliable source of help and protection (“apart from her scolding them nothing else had changed.. The police doesn’t do anything against them”).

    * As a result of the above, you experienced having “absolutely no power over the situation”, and you experienced social rejection and isolation (“others chose going with the group instead of me.. Everyone else seemed to be just fine without me…people around me.. have always chosen to spend time or so things with others than me.. I never felt genuinely respected or loved by others… If I don’t call, they don’t call, if I don’t text, they don’t text for weeks”).

    * Your parents’ acceptance of you, their loving and support of you (“encouraging me to do anything I wanted to do.. trying to make me feel that I am worthy and lovable person…they said they believe I could do anything I want, much more than others.. and how good I am at things”) is unfortunately irrelevant to your current goal of experiencing life in a healthier way.

    * Your focus on achieving professional and/ or material success is misguided: such success will not lead you to a healthier experience of life (“I started viewing my own value based on my achievements because I want to feel accepted by the world, and that’s the way the world will accept me….ever since I remember, I’ve always had in mind the image that I will become a successful person.. I will be respected and wanted meaning that people will want to hang out with me”).

    Professional and material success will bring you income and some social applause and even admiration, but it will not bring you the desired good feeling of being socially protected and accepted.

    * Here is what is relevant to your goal of experiencing life in a healthier way: having that friend you wish you had, “that friend like you see in the movies, who would always be on my side, who  would defend me in conflicts and who would support me when I’m feeling down”. Only that friend has to be you.

    Because life is not a movie, and because wishes don’t magically come true, it is you who has to be that friend you wished to have for  so long.

    How to make it happen: you will have to practice self empathy, being on your side; you will have to understand that it will be a slow and painful process, that repeatedly you will feel distress, then feel better, then feel distress again; that repeatedly you will have to act a certain way even though it is scary, like (figuratively) jumping over a large crack in the pavement underneath you, not knowing if you will make it safely to the other side. As you make it safely to the other side again and again, over time you will  build confidence in yourself and the good feeling that you are after will follow.

    Literally jumping over cracks means exercising and increasing your muscle strength, so that you personally experience being physically strong, and then learning and practicing assertive and social skills.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  anita.
    in reply to: History on Repeat #351522

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeeza:

    The ST of STP can stand for Soft Tapping your dog that night. If it was a soft tap under the circumstance, and if he won’t do it again after you telling him so, then nothing bad happened, nothing unusual, as I see it. If I remember correctly, you had a very bad experience long ago (?) regarding a man and your dog. I figure that this long ago experience was triggered a bit?

    You do deserve to train for data review, and you do deserve being promoted and more: you are a hard worker, dedicated, professional, quite admirable, from my reading of your posts!

    Regarding the 6′ distance at work: you can tell the new co worker about this rule or recommendation in the workplace, or you can talk to a supervisor about sending a memo on the topic to all employees.

    It is interesting that you mentioned the homeless guy you gave money to:  only yesterday I noticed signs of “No Loitering” and “No Panhandling” in a couple of outdoor business places where I didn’t see or notice these signs before. I figured that pandemic and on, there is going to be way less tolerance of homeless people approaching the non-homeless, so.. even the homeless will suffer financially, except if there will be better housing and treatment programs available to them.

    anita

    in reply to: Help! #351514

    anita
    Participant

    Dear kiwiboy0897:

    Welcome back, no need to apologize for infrequency of posting: you can post anytime you want.

    Will you remind me: when was it that your  partner told Steve “I’m falling for you”?

    Also: any news regarding contact between partner and Steve, in the gym or elsewhere;  any changes in your partner’s behavior otherwise?

    anita

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