Forum Replies Created
September 9, 2018 at 6:57 am #224781
No, I don't have whatssap and I don't communicate with members outside these Forums.
I understand that she told you that she loves you very much but I don't know if that means that you are the guilty one in the relationship and she is the innocent one. I don't know if part of that love of hers, she keeps blaming you for supposed wrongs. If she does, that behavior is not loving.
If you want to elaborate on her behavior toward you here on your thread, to look into whether it is loving, or not, and to whether you are the only one needing to change in this relationship (“I can change”), please do.
anitaSeptember 9, 2018 at 6:41 am #224779
I wish the relationship with your husband was on the mend, but it is not. As to your question: yes, it is possible that their relationship will last. I don't see a reason why it would be impossible.
How are you feeling having him with you in the house for the next few weeks?
anitaSeptember 9, 2018 at 6:27 am #224775
Let's look at what happened: you had a relationship that ended, started dating A, nothing serious, went back to the previous relationship. No wrongdoing yet, on your part. Next, after A invaded your privacy by reading your messages, you matched his wrongdoing by invading his privacy, reading his messages.
You read flirtatious messages that he sent to a girl he used to date. Again, you matched his wrongdoing by flirting in person with the ex boyfriend and sent flirtatious messages to him.
Assuming A didn't have sex with another woman while in the relationship with you, you outdid him with the following wrongdoing: “I went to a party and me and my ex ended up kissing and having sex”.
Next, A “told all his friends about what had happened”, bringing about gossip and a bad reputation for you. You expect him to continue this wrongdoing on his part, to be “telling everything about me to anyone that wants to hear. This is very frightening… There's always someone who knows someone”. You didn't match this wrongdoing on his part. He does not suffer from gossip or a bad reputation.
You asked: “how do I live with this? How will anyone ever trust me again? What do I need to do to become good again?”
My answers: notice the context of your idea of being trustworthy and good- you trust A as authority over trust and being good and you trust those who now gossip about you to be authorities over trust and being good. But your boyfriend does not deserve a superior status in these regards. His behavior was not good nor was it trustworthy. And the people who gossip, you don't know how they behave, what they choose to do in their personal lives. Are they good and trustworthy? Not those who support A in reading your messages and not those who spread the gossip against you.
Who is the authority over being good and trustworthy then?
It is about you becoming that authority. And then, it is about you rejecting wrongdoings, not only in your behavior, but in others' behavior. If you are in a relationship with a man like A who does wrong, it will only increase the chances that you will do wrong as well. So choose better. It is not doable to be a good person while being in a close relationship with someone who does bad.
Next, pay attention that you, the authority, approve of your own behavior. Over time you will build your trust in your own self.
Regarding the gossip, remember the thought: who is doing the g0ssiping? Do you respect them for being authority over good and bad?
anitaSeptember 9, 2018 at 5:52 am #224773
Your case is not weird to me.
You wrote: “Since my childhood… I miss strongly someone I never knew or met… sometimes I just lock myself in my room and feel extremely sad and missing ‘them'… I feel very sad to see that I cannot join them… I am only thankful to them (your parents) for taking care of me before going back to ‘them'… I try myself everyday to love my parents… I also talked about it a little to my parents.. they showed misunderstandings so I stopped from talking about it to them… I tried many times to talk with them about it but it always turned to argues… they couldn't understand what I am going through… I feel lonely and missing these persons I never met. I also look forward to see them. That feeling of belonging somewhere else”.
This is my understanding: your parents take care of some of your needs, such as food and clothing. But they didn't and don't take care of your need to belong. Children need to feel that they belong in their family. You feel sad and lonely because you feel like a stranger in your family, with your parents. So you made up another family, made believe there is another set of parents for you someplace else and so, you do belong somewhere.
You wrote about your parents: “they couldn't understand what I am going through but that is totally fine by me”. I think you feel as fine with is as you do because you invented another set of parents elsewhere and they are your hope to belong.
Your parents argue with you, your other parents will not argue. These parents don't understand what you are going through, the other parents will understand. With these parents you feel sad and lonely, with the other parents you will feel happy and not lonely at all. that will be the good life, something to look forward to.
What do you think?
anitaSeptember 9, 2018 at 5:00 am #224771
You believe that if something bad happens (the guy got sick, for example), it must be that you made him sick. If he doesn't call you back, it must be that you hurt his feelings. In other words, you are the cause of bad things happening. Your conclusion, in your very last paragraph is: “I will do better next time”.
As if you did badly and that is why the guy got sick and that is why he didn't call you back.
What if he didn't really get sick at all and lied to you about getting sick as a reason for not meeting you for another date?
What if you didn't hurt him at all, and the reason he didn't call you back is that he is busy elsewhere, another woman perhaps?
You see, other people have their own reasons, own motivations that are not about you making them sick or otherwise hurting them.
I hope to read more from you.
anitaSeptember 9, 2018 at 4:38 am #224769
“My partner got sick and shout at me for no reason”- you are referring to your work partner, not your girlfriend, I understand.
You were very distressed over the work issue, went to your girlfriend looking for comfort but instead of comfort she accused you of wrongdoing for having pictures of your ex girlfriend on your phone from two years before, pictures you forgot to delete.
You then got angry at your girlfriend, got drunk and messaged her that you hate her.
Question: those pictures on your phone, was that the first time your girlfriend mentioned them or did she ask you before to delete them and you didn't? Also, how did she manage to see those pictures: did she look into your phone without your knowledge?
anitaSeptember 9, 2018 at 4:28 am #224767
Dear Cali Chica:
J's mother in law, when she heard that J didn't have much cash on her, “went into the pile her DIL picked, and critiqued each piece”. Her motivation was that J will not buy those items, and instead buy the items that she wanted for herself. It is “the me me me” motivation.
You wrote about your mother, “She acted like she wanted to give me wings all my life to be Independent, but the moment she truly saw them she tried to clip them as fast as she could”- she wanted the wings on her pile, for herself. Like J's mother in law.
You wrote that you disassociated so to survive, so that you “could wake up every day, and make a functional life”.
The challenge is to enjoy that functional life.
The way to access past painful experiences is to pay attention to the “interaction(s) in the present day, which reminds me of a true interaction with my mother years ago”. We keep experiencing our past in the present time, and so, this is how we can know what happened then.
You write very well.
anitaSeptember 9, 2018 at 3:51 am #224763
You wrote some time ago: “I have many things to say and have no idea how to say them”- well, you are saying them here, in this work of art. Thing is about work of arts is that what it means to the one looking at it is not the same as what it means to the one who created it.
When I look at this valuable creation, I see a girl, a young woman bleeding from her inside, through that private part of hers because she was raped or because she found herself in a sexual situation with a man when all she wanted was a hug. All she wanted was a hug because she was so very lonely and so very alone for too long. She didn't want sex, she didn't want to be used that way. She just wanted a hug. And I think of the many, many women out there, past and present, still allowing their bodies to be used as things by selfish people, people seeing the women as things to be used, body parts to be used, more accurately. Women who want love but get sex instead.
I understand that sex can be part of love, but it is difficult to see the two co-existing somehow in harmony when one has the experience of being used that way again and again. At one point on, sex automatically feels like being used, bringing about anger, not softness.
“I just wanted some parents” means to me, that the young woman was so lonely and so alone for so long because she didn't have loving parents. A whole lot of people, women and men, look for a parent in a romantic partner. Reminds me of a line from a Dr. Seuss book, one of those creatures in his books walking to this bigger creature or that other one and asking this one: “Are you my mother?” and then the other one: “Are you my mother?”
I wonder of course if any of what I wrote is what this art means to you, the creator. I don't understand the title “laundry bag” and if that is an empty laundry bag there in the drawing. I do know of course that you were raped by your cousin and blamed for it by your then best friend, the cousin's sister. And that you are very angry at both. And that you are also angry at your mother. I wish you told me more. I really do want to know more about what this means to you.
anitaSeptember 8, 2018 at 9:17 am #224689
* didn't reflect under TopicsSeptember 8, 2018 at 9:14 am #224687
There is nothing stupid about needing people, about liking a man and wanting to spend time with him. There is nothing stupid about “wanting to change something”, and “give it a shot”. If only you are okay with making mistakes, if you understand that everyone makes mistakes, then you an learn from them and become wiser.
No one is born wise. Intelligent, yes, but not wise. Wisdom comes from learning from mistakes, learning how to live so that we can have as good a life as is possible for us.
There is no magic. There is learning. Are you willing to learn?
With this man, it is okay that you told him you attend therapy, but not instead of telling him you were uncomfortable. It was unwise to proceed when uncomfortable. If he is a decent person, maybe he would have helped you to do what you needed to do: to not proceed at that time, to wait. Maybe later, if he and you chose, you could have met again and talked more. Maybe over time you would have felt comfortable enough.
You did communicate to him, according to my understanding, that you are not worthy of him. Maybe he believes you. He probably doesn't feel that confident about himself, unlike what you think, he probably doesn't feel that he has his life together. He probably lacks self confidence himself. If you meet him again, or someone else, remember that: it only seems like he (whomever he is) has it all together, but it is not likely. In a relationship try to aim at helping each other instead of imagining he is all powerful and capable of helping the helpless, needy you.
We really are in this life together, we do need each other. You are not the only needy one.
anitaSeptember 8, 2018 at 7:01 am #224683
Tell me more, will you? What were you angry about and when you shouted at her, what were the words you shouted at her?
anitaSeptember 8, 2018 at 6:57 am #224679
If what you posted is sincere, then I see beauty in you. And I appreciate it. Tell me about the ugliness you mentioned, will you?
anitaSeptember 8, 2018 at 6:50 am #224677
You are welcome.
Regarding “.. hit me because I was bad?” do you believe that you were a good child then and that you are now a good person, deserving a good life?
(You wrote in your recent post: “Now I feel like I have disappointed them (your parents)”- isn't it a thing a bad daughter/child/person does, to disappoint her parents?)
Regarding the man you met last week, this is what I understand happened: he was respectful to you, didn't force himself on you like that man long ago, in the dormitories. He “never did anything without me agreeing to it”. You liked him a lot but felt nervous and uncomfortable. He noticed you felt uncomfortable and asked you if you were feeling ashamed around him. You didn't answer him with a yes or a no but instead “tried to explain that I have these issues and that I'm seeking therapy”, and so you let him lead, “went along with his rhythm”. His leadership and his rhythm led you to sex. A few days later your oral herpes was activated and you told him about it. Then had sex with him again without kissing. Later he told you that he was sick, then that he was feeling better. You asked him if you infected him (the herpes) and he answered that he is fine and that you “don't have to worry”.
My answer to your question: “What if you are the toxic person?” is that you were not a toxic person with this man. Regarding your oral herpes, the first time you slept with him it wasn't active at all, so no risk of infecting him. The second time, the herpes was active but you told him about it and no kissing was involved, so no risk of infecting and no responsibility on your part for (not) infecting him.
There is nothing else that you mentioned that would lead me to think that you were abusive, or toxic to him in any way.
When he asked you if you felt ashamed being with him, I wish you told him that you did feel uncomfortable, that you told him just how you felt, instead of telling him you are in therapy. I wish you didn't let him lead you, as kind of a leader as he may have been, it is a bad idea to allow a man you just met to lead you to his bed while you are uncomfortable and worried.
Do you think that he will call you today as he said he would?
anitaSeptember 8, 2018 at 5:18 am #224669
No, it doesn't help. What will help you is if you answer a person who replies to you. If you answered me, for a change, that will help. If you posted something like: Hi anita, thank you for responding to my thread. That would be so nice, and not at all ugly.
But you don't want to do that, to answer, do you?
(Surprise me, if you will)
anitaSeptember 8, 2018 at 5:15 am #224667
This is very powerful, you drew that? Oh, so powerful, my god. I just saw this a moment ago. It is blood there, “I just wanted some parents”. I have to let this sit with me for a while. I know that there is a whole lot in this drawing, a whole lot. If you want, tell me more. Will be back to your thread later.