Forum Replies Created
November 11, 2019 at 12:56 pm #322541
I believe that I was too blunt, in my last post to you. I have the tendency to be blunt when a more gentle delivery is kinder and likely to be received better, received as something to consider, that is. I apologize for an unecessary blunt delivery.
anitaNovember 11, 2019 at 10:30 am #322523
“now I feel that I don’t want to waste my time with such people anymore. People with no empathy, who are arrogant and self-righteous! Never again! I do not want to be that worthless thing anymore… Better not give them more power by doing what they want!”-
– as I read this and before I read your sentence after that, I thought to myself: Lily is making my day! Here is her much needed anger, anger has its positive use!
And then I read your sentence after: “Sorry, I feel angry today and hurt”- no reason to apologize. Anger is natural and has its use in nature, to promote survival. Same with you, when you feel rightfully angry at people who do hurt people, it promotes your own survival by motivating you “to unlearn these behaviours, no longer submit to everything and not accept that people don’t treat me well”.
Anger is just what you need to continue to heal and accomplish what you stated here!
anitaNovember 11, 2019 at 10:10 am #322517
Dear Cali Chica, my friend:
“the similarities just continue”- yes they do, amazing. And “we must be careful”, we must not do her bidding.
Will be going for my walk next. I hope you and husband have a good day, looking forward to talking with you next time.
November 11, 2019 at 9:59 am #322511
- This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by anita.
Dear Cali Chica:
When long, long ago I watched the classic movie Psycho, the original, that is, I knew it almost accurately described my situation- the main character was possessed by his mother, put on her clothes and did her bidding, killing the young woman he felt attraction to.
“It was my being possessed by Ursula’s voice”- in the movie, Anthony Perkins was possessed by his mother’s voice, speaking it, he too “adopted that cruel tone”, and then doing what her voice suggested.
We have to be careful not to repeat her words, her tone, and not do her bidding at any one time.
anitaNovember 11, 2019 at 9:28 am #322505
Dear Cali Chica:
You are welcome, and I am proud of your progress!
I thought for a short moment: Ursula and MOU would get along so well together but quickly corrected myself: soon enough they’d turn against each other: look how short you are! Look how big your nose is! Look you almost have a horse face, if I pull your chin down… and so forth. I know MOU’s voice so well that- have a person stand in front of me and I can go on a lengthy critical speech about that person’s looks. I practiced it once, talking out loud, and a certain evil tone accompanied my voice (not intentionally).
“It feels good to think ‘good’- doesn’t it”- to think in ways that are true and fair to people, yes. To think about people with a touch of compassion instead of cruelty, yes.
For a long time you saw your own husband with Ursula’s (and your father’s) eyes, saying long ago that because he lacked certain qualities your parents said were important qualities, he wasn’t good enough for you. So early in your relationship with him, he had Ursula’s voice against him. But look at Ursula- she is not qualified to evaluate other anyone. It is like listening to a person from an insane asylum telling you what to think and do.
What did your father say to relatives on a visit to India, before you got married, something like: we would have married her to a better man, but she’s too old, we had to settle.
Who said that? A man who married your mother and stayed married to her while she was banging that pool service guy, calling his older daughter to.. fix the situation???
It angers me, the thought that an intelligent woman like yourself (and through no fault of your own) adopted the thinking of an unintelligent woman and her pet husband.
anitaNovember 11, 2019 at 9:00 am #322495
You are welcome.
“part of me that continues to hold on.. I don’t think he’d be the one to initiate a conversation that he did regret what he is doing. He’s a very prideful person”-
– if he was living alone, maybe your thinking had weight. But he is living with another woman, one you described as younger and attractive. It doesn’t make sense that he is living with a woman he is attracted to, day in and day out, sleeping with her every night and regretting a woman he hasn’t slept with for so very long.
Think of it: if he is regretting his decision to divorce you because of his pride, then it means that he is forcing himself to sleep with this young, attractive woman every night, seeing her in lingerie, let’s say, and thinking something like: I don’t really want to be with this young and attractive woman, but I will force myself because I am prideful.
It doesn’t make sense. Possible, I suppose, but it would take not just a prideful man to be thinking this way, but a man who is mentally unwell.
Of course, you can ask him, but what about your pride.
anitaNovember 11, 2019 at 8:38 am #322491
I am sorry for your pug dying in pain and prematurely, and for you and your parents suffering as a result. Dog owners all over the world suffer a great deal when their dogs die- prematurely or from old, old age. It is a deep and prolonged heartache for so many.
A common theme with people losing their pets (and it has been expressed in these Forums repeatedly by members) is guilt over the death of pets. It is because they are dependent on us, their owners, and dogs more than any pet, look up at us as their protectors and care-takers. When they die, we feel that we failed them, that we betrayed their trust in us to care for them well.
Unfortunately there was no vet clinic open and available to see your pug in late evening and throughout the night. Dogs, like people, usually don’t die so quickly, but linger on and it is therefore possible to get later help that will save lives. But your pug died quickly.
I am sorry for you pain. Feel free to post here anytime, if it helps only a bit, and I will read from you and reply back.
anitaNovember 11, 2019 at 8:20 am #322487
Dear Cali Chica;
You are making excellent progress, so pleased to read. Regarding ruminating, I want to give you a current, relevant example from my life. Try to take it in slowly because the point is Everything to our topic:
A few months ago I attended a wedding of a young beautiful woman, a Peter Pan look alike, short hair, perfect, gentle features, lean, light on her feet, in great shape. Her husband was not easy on the eyes, heavy and out of shape, clumsy and not at all handsome. Recently I received a thank you note from the couple with their wedding photo in the mail. I placed it on the table because I really like the way she looks, but the way he looks bothered me, so I thought for a moment: what if I cut him off from the photo? Next, I thought that would be rude and quite weird, so I didn’t.
Over time, the photo still on the table ,I looked at it and thought to myself: my mother (My Own Ursula, I’ll call her MOU) used to give me-and everyone- an ongoing negatively- critical commentary about people’s looks, going on and on about how ugly lots of people are. Not only did she criticize parts of people’s looks under possible control, an issue of some choosing, but what people have no control over whatsoever: facial features, height, body shape. I thought to myself: how rude that was of my mother (she called one woman, for example, a horse, to her face, because she had a long face).
I looked at the man in the wedding photo and thought to myself: if this man was kind to a child at a time of great need, that child would be looking up to this man as the most handsome man in the world forevermore. Then I thought, this man may be kind to this woman, his wife. Maybe she sees him as most handsome because he is kind to her.
I still have the photo on the table and I see him in a different way, not hard on the eyes, but easy on the heart.
When I was a child, for a variety of reasons, the “I” of who I was didn’t develop adequately, and so, the MOU remained over-developed (as she was in the very beginning), through adolescence and adulthood. So as I looked at people, MOU’s voice kept the negative criticism going and going. What happened most recently, in my example, is that I found my own voice, the “I”‘s voice. MOU’s voice said: this man is ugly, look at his.. how shameful, how inferior he is, how undeserving he is of her and on and on and on. How people look is everything and people should be ashamed for how they look! My voice said: he may be the most handsome man in the world to a child, to his wife. People shouldn’t be judged by the way they look, especially looks they have no possible control over. Looks is not everything anyway, behavior is oh, so much more important.
Look at your second example: “let’s say I had a nice date with a nice boy.. My mind would immediately jump to what Ursula would think of him”- the under-developed “I” is not strong, the over-developed Ursula has the microphone, so you hear her. Next, “fast forward to anxiety of whether he was right for me or not”- the under-developed “I” is listening to the Ursula part.
I remember you said in one of the exercises we did that your parents said you are a good listener, “listening good” I think were your words. “I” listening to Ursula.
anitaNovember 11, 2019 at 7:30 am #322475
Yes, you may ask and thank you for asking. I am a bit restless these days, a bit tired, but fine. I think I need something new, don’t know what it is yet. Almost all the leaves are down. Funny, I didn’t connect the word Fall to leaves Falling until I moved to a climate where four seasons are distinct and happen every year. I like walking and hearing the leaves fall.
I thought that the co-worker who told you that you are fired may have been worried about being fired herself- and she was. I am glad you are good at what you do. Keeping your job is very important, and “trying to go slowly and triple check my work” is the best, mindful way to go about it.
Important to continue to take your medications and attend quality psychotherapy, as often as is possible for you, to eat more than pasta- incorporate some quality protein and some vegetables.
Nice of you to avail yourself to the friend over the weekend, but remember to avail yourself to what you need first, or have her help you with what you need to do for yourself (“clean.. do laundry to prepare for my week”).
Regarding this man in your life: very important that you do move to a less expensive place so that you can pay the rent yourself and not need his help paying it.
You wrote yesterday that he brought you lunch to work, sad about having lost his cat of 10 years a couple of months ago and proceeded to beg you to “see pictures of a guy I was with when we weren’t together”, you refused, then he finally gave up and told you: “at least one of us is happy about it”.
A week before that, Nov 3, you texted him in the morning: “hope you have a great day”. He responded: “you can’t even type out ‘I hope’ what is wrong? I am sorry for being mean I will try my best today to think you love me”-
– well, there is nothing wrong with not typing “I hope” and abbreviating it with “hope”. You can’t win with a person who is this literal and exact- it is more difficult to not make alleged mistakes with him than it is at your job: you have to watch your grammar, make sure it is exact at all times.
And his comments: “at least one of us is happy” and a week later: “I will try my best today to think you love me” are dishonest, passive aggressive ways to say what he really meant, something like: I am miserable because of you! and: You don’t love me and I know it! And: I am angry at you for making me miserable and not loving me!!!
It is a good thing that he is employed, so he is less likely to use that gun that he brings to your apartment, and it is a good thing that he didn’t use it against an ex girlfriend although he wanted to (“he was telling me about his ex abusing him.. the only person he has ever wanted to kill”).
At the end of Oct or very early Nov, this month, he bought a 6pack of beer, brought it to your place, got drunk, “Falling and stuff. Started yelling at me and kicked my pillow off the couch angrily.. calling me one bad name and the anger was about who was with when we weren’t together 2 months ago… told me there is nothing special about being with me because everyone has been with me”.
It is a no-brainer that this guy should remain out of your apartment and outside your life. Problem is that he has the keys and he helps you with the rent. Do what needs to be done to move to a lesser expensive apartment. He will not have the keys to the new apartment (and don’t give it to him, of course). For now- is it possible for you to change the keys to your current apartment and never allow him in?
Maybe you can find another apartment sooner than later, maybe borrow a bit of money so to cover the next rent, not needing his money?
anitaNovember 11, 2019 at 6:27 am #322455
You are welcome. Congratulations for giving the notice! Earlier on I thought that you own the house were he stays and he may overstay, you may feel badly kicking him out and so forth, but it being rented, the two-month Notice takes care of the problem of him overstaying- it will be between him and the landlord (although it may hurt your credit/ ability to rent a place in the future?)
“he wished he had done things differently”- so now he cares about your wish to eat at the dinner table, because he has to move out and this is, for him, a big deal. Before, he didn’t care because before the only problem was that you were unsatisfied, and that, for him.. was not a big deal.
When this is over and you live by yourself, see to it that you don’t get into a committed relationship quickly, like before. Take your time- it will be interesting time!
anitaNovember 11, 2019 at 6:14 am #322449
Even if it is only around your partner, to have a “constant racing heart” is impossible and quite deadly. To save your life, you’d have to end that deadly relationship. The butterflies as well, not possible at all times when you are in the company of your partner. Think of this: let’s say you are in the company of your partner and your stomach starts to hurt, you feel that you might have diarrhea. The moment you feel this kind of discomfort and your thinking is focused on it- gone are the butterflies. And if the heart is racing, it is to prepare you to run to the bathroom.
Now, imagine what is really happening in your case: you are with your partner and your stomach is fine, but you start focusing on the thought: do I really love him? This thought is associated with distress, not the stomach ache but it is an ache of the emotional kind. No wonder then, that the butterflies are gone and if the heart is racing, it is not the romantic, in-love kind of racing, but the distressed kind.
You worry that you don’t love him and because of the worry, you stop feeling that in-love feeling sensations.
Let’s look more in depth at what is happening: for a few months you liked a guy, for a few more weeks, you “always felt so crazy for him and I always wanted him next to me. I was obsessed”-
– obsessed, this is the problem. For a few weeks you were obsessed with the thought of wanting him next to you.
“I was obsessed, but, for a while now, I’ve been doubting my feelings… the question ‘Do I really love him?’ Came into my mind and I haven’t felt the same since”-
your obsession changed. First you obsessed on the thought of wanting him next to you, then you obsessed with the thought: do I really love him?
The Problem is you Obsessing. All the thoughts you have regarding your obsession, all the thoughts trying to answer the question: do I love him? – all these thoughts belong to the obsession and will not help you. The obsession is like a giant vacuum cleaner that keeps vacuuming but nothing gets clean, all the dust and dirt remains. So you vacuum, vacuum, vacuum, and nothing changes. It is as if you and the vacuum become one, you wake up.. and you just have to vacuum. No matter how the vacuum doesn’t clean anything, you are compelled to vacuum.
Your relationship is a very new one, and this man, you wrote, is “the perfect match for me. We get along so well” and so forth. The solution is to focus on what is perfect in the match and continue to get along, to make the relationship meaningful and healthy regardless of racing-heart-or-not and butterflies-or-not.
But suggesting the above, for the person who is obsessed is like saying: stop vacuuming, use the broom instead, you’ll see, it will work! But the obsessed person says: but I have to vacuum!
What do you think about what I wrote here?
anitaNovember 10, 2019 at 5:14 pm #322391
It is not normal or healthy to have one’s heart racing every moment, every day and night when two people love each other because a heart attack or a stroke will result- it is not healthy to have the heart race on and on and on. And about butterflies- butterflies don’t live for long, a couple of weeks, two months (you can google butterflies, Wikipedia. and find out how long they live).
Therefore to expect the hear to race and the butterflies on an ongoing basis is not realistic. After a period of excitement with a new love, the excitement slows down and sometimes it is not there at all- for everyone!
I hope to read more about your thoughts and feelings and will reply when I am back to the computer, in about 13 hours from now.
anitaNovember 10, 2019 at 5:05 pm #322387
I have so little information about your relationship with your husband and the information I do have is puzzling: after you told him that you were having feelings for someone else, he increased his intimacy with you (“After telling him.. there was some intimacy”)- meaning he responded not in anger or jealousy, but in increased intimacy?
When he say you crying or he saw that you were very upset after the wedding you attended, and yet he didn’t ask you what’s wrong, didn’t try to comfort you.. ?
– reads like a loveless marriage Can it be, that after 15 years together, there is not much there?
anitaNovember 10, 2019 at 1:43 pm #322361
“I also reached out to someone outside of my marriage”- you mean you reached out to another man, in a way you kept secret from your husband?
I would like to understand your situation better. If you would like to, will you share more about your marriage: about how long, why did you marry this man, was there something wrong from the beginning or did something happen along the way to bring you to this point of not feeling right?
(I will be away from the computer for a few hours).
anitaNovember 10, 2019 at 1:36 pm #322359
It occurred to me, re-reading your short original post, that it is not so much that you feel empathy for others after interacting with them, but that you feel that you said/ did something wrong, then you “can’t let go” of the feeling that you said/did something wrong, and you “go back to check if the person” is angry with you or is thinking poorly of you as a result of the perceived wrong thing you said or did.
Am I correct? If you answer and provide me with an example, I will be glad to read from you and reply further.