Menu

anita

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 23,764 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #301681

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexander:

    You like this girl very much and you were hoping for a long time that she would like you too. So  when you noticed that she liked the song “Brown Eyes”, you were hoping that it meant that she likes you because you have brown eyes. Then you figured it may not mean that at all.

    You figured it may not mean that she likes you because … maybe she just likes the music of this song, not the words, and .. maybe she likes all the songs of this particular singer, and that is very disappointing to you.

    How long have you had a crush on this girl?

    anita

    #301669

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Marie:

    By cutting contact with your fiancé and to be husband from 100% (living in the same town and having daily contact with her) to let’s say, 5% by living far away, you still have 5% too many because if you put out 95% of a fire, the remaining 5% are enough to burn acres and acres of land and homes and whatever is in its way.

    anita

    #301661

    anita
    Participant

    Dear apple-slice:

    Welcome back! So you met him in person for the first time and it was a good experience, good thing. Regarding your insecurity in the LDR context, wanting his undivided attention, reads like you want too much from him, that is, he can’t fix your anxiety and insecurity. Even if he gave you his undivided attention and reassured you repeatedly and frequently, all it is likely to take is one time that he is unavailable and the anxiety is back.

    One solution is to take a break from this LDR, but if you return to it, the same anxiety is likely to return.

    Best bets for you is to be in a relationship with a man who is local, a man who needs and wants to see you often, one who is predictable and reliable, while even in these favorable circumstances, you will still need to manage your anxiety, to not expect or ask or demand of the man to fix it, to take the anxiety away (he can’t and likely has his own anxiety!)

    I hope to read more from you.

    anita

    #301657

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Holly:

    I share your pessimism about the chances of meeting a man who is single, not on the rebound, not hung up on another woman, and who is “looking for genuine connection & commitment”-

    – “what are my chances of meeting one of these men?”- not great, a small chance, I say, but the good news is that there is a chance, however small and the best news is that you need only one of these men.

    You wrote: “Men have chosen other women over me, before so I find it hard to imagine anybody wanting me when they could have someone younger”-

    – some men don’t want a younger woman, quite a few get into relationships with older women. My grandfather for example married a woman ten years older than him and they lived… happily or unhappily ever after till death did them apart.

    You have a chance, Holly. If you approach dating in a scientific way, considering the chances and the best ways to go about choosing and proceeding, you can do well for yourself.

    anita

    #301653

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    No, I won’t watch them… past my bedtime. I won’t add lol to it, because  it really is the reason.

    He called sick.. well, you could express concern to him but I don’t think it will help him, if you do. Nothing you can do to help him. Focus on yourself and your kids- best you can do.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by  anita.
    #301649

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dan:

    I hope she is okay. Her well-being is your son’s well being, as well as her other child’s.

    anita

    #301645

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    Your innocence was stolen long time ago, in your very first decade of life.

    “Like where is the love”?- the love didn’t disappear lately, it wasn’t there for you for three decades. The moments of love that you did experience, those were too few and too far apart.

    Maybe staying in Chicago is a good idea, depending on those “few contacts here in the Chicago area” that you mentioned. But to  keep reaching out to your family for the love that hasn’t been there for so long, and considering your anger about that love not being there for you, that doesn’t seem to me like a good idea.

    But as you must know, this… is your life to experience, and you get to make the choices.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by  anita.
    #301639

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    “sometimes it’s enough that someone looks at me in a weird way, I become insecure and feel like I did something wrong”-

    -this will continue to happen for a long, long time, this is how your brain operates automatically. You can’t make a decision for it to stop and problem solved. It takes a process of noticing when you perceive someone looking at you in a weird way, notice the thought that follows, like I-must-have-done-something-wrong, or I-must-seem-weird, then review the reality of the situation and suggest other explanations to yourself, such as maybe the person looking at me is thinking of someone else, is spaced out and is not even thinking about me, or what could it be that I did wrong (review) and so on. You already practiced this and did a good job at it as you shared about it in previous posts!

    Continue to be well aware of your automatic tendencies to think and feel certain ways and persist in the slow process of correcting these incorrect tendencies.

    Also, if you believe that you are weird, you are likely to behave in an awkward, insecure kind of way because it.. feels very uncomfortable to think that you are inherently weird, that there is something wrong with you. I know it because I know the feeling. Believe otherwise, over time, and you will eventually feel confident.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by  anita.
    #301635

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    I like you not living in Illinois or in Arizona so to be geographically removed from both your brothers and their partners, and from your aunt, grandmothers, cousins and all other family members. Your niece and nephew- I wish you had them in your life but unfortunately they are attached to the others. And I like the idea of you not being geographically close to any of the others.

    I don’t like the idea of you living anywhere close to that ex boyfriend and his family either.

    So, consider Florida if you like the hot and humid weather that is the current weather there now, very hot and very humid, and I figure big bugs go with that weather.

    You didn’t live in many other places that you may like, some areas in California maybe, if you like a not as hot and humid weather, maybe Portland.

    Point is, to start your life as an individual person, an independent woman, better remove yourself from your family and make your life elsewhere. Because you are displaced now, starting a life in another state will not be more difficult than in Chicago… drive away, drive far away and start elsewhere.

    anita

    #301631

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lost soul:

    Maybe I can be your friend, in the context of this website. I was very much alone, excruciatingly lonely and so very tired most of the time, a whole lot of the time, spaced out, removed from life.

    “I want to know that someone cares that I still exist”- I think that I wasn’t sure so much of the time that I existed. Seems like as humans, born to be social, we don’t really exist all alone. Social connections, at least one, to start with, is what breathes life into us.

    Do post anytime you want to, and I will be glad to  reply to you. I hope other members reply to you as well.

    anita

    #301627

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Well, K is otherwise engaged, in other words, he is not available for a friendship or a relationship with you or with any other woman. So you are working July 4th for extra cash, you get something for working on a holiday. But in the context of K, working more.. or investing more, is not going to give you extra anything, no reward, no benefit for more of your time and effort.

    He is not a good investment, better no longer invest in him.

    Fourth of July in a few days, will you attend fire works?

    anita

    #301623

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Katie:

    Please see to it that you don’t try to punish the boy for what he told you, that you treat all the kids respectfully at all times, and be appropriately assertive with them. I hope you have a competent supervisor on location so that when you don’t know what to say and do in a particular situation, you can get her/ his advice on the matter.

    Your focus on your looks has been ongoing for a long time and expressed in your March 2018 thread “I feel ugly”, in your Nov 2018 thread “My cousin tells me I need a nose job”, in your Feb 2019 thread “I just want to be beautiful”, in your March 2019 thread, “I photoshopped a picture of my body on Instagram” and in your current thread.

    In February this year you wrote: “In the very rare moments that I am truly happy with my looks and feel beautiful, I feel like the happiest girl in the world. Maybe I am trying to chase this feeling by trying to so hard to be beautiful. Feeling beautiful is one of the best feelings in the world and I constantly feel ugly. This has caused me a lot of depression”-

    – yes, you are chasing the best feelings in the world, but what you get is a few moments of happiness and a whole lot of discontent and depression.

    March this year you wrote: “sometimes I feel like I will never be worth anything until I become beautiful. Then I realize I will never be beautiful to what society wants. I will never have the best body or the most beautiful face in the world”-

    – no woman can have “the best body or the most beautiful face in the world” because every woman ages, and there is always someone younger, and there is always a face someone will point to as more beautiful.

    Better, Katie, that you find another way to feel that worth that you need to feel.

    In April this year, you wrote: “I’m tired of women being judged by their looks”- I concur. Many women (and men) suffer because of not matching the looks of (photoshopped) models and movie stars in  media. Many people suffer from comments made about their looks. This is a shame, and each one of us should pay attention to not make degrading comments about others’ looks, to not shame others- or ourselves- for how we look.

    Your mother was bullied for her looks. April 2018, you wrote: “I remember sitting in the sun rom almost every evening with my mom as she would sip a glass of wine. This is when she would talk about her life to me.. She would tell stories how she was bullied for her chubbiness…. one of her neighbors came up to her house and asked her to play. So my mom said yes and then she was led to an entire group of boys who then threw rocks at her saying ‘lose some weight'”-

    – what a shame, how careful indeed we all  need to be, to not throw rocks at people, and hurtful words are rocks that hurt us for decades of life following the rock throwing.

    You wrote about that story that your mother told you: “Kids were just super mean”. many years later, most recently, in summer camp, an eight year old told you that you looked like a witch”-

    – maybe he meant that you looked mean, not meaning that you looked not beautiful. Maybe you looked angry. And maybe it does have something to do with your hair and clothing, reminding him of an image of a witch in a cartoon or a movie that he watched. I suppose you could ask him what he meant by it so to not continue to assume what he may not have meant at all.

    But let’s say he or another kid does make fun of another kid, or an adult, for how they look- the way to respond to that is to take that kid to the side and explain to him kindly that what he said was hurtful, why it was hurtful, and instruct him to apologize to the offended party, maybe to the whole group of children who were present, and to not repeat this behavior. Tell that kid that if someone offends him in that way, to tell you and you will take care of the situation the same way.

    When you do that, when you help kids this way, you earn that self worth you need so desperately. When you help a single child, you make the world a better place.

    Now, what can be more beautiful than making the world a better place, what can be more beautiful than to sooth a hurting child and to prevent more children from experiencing the same excruciating hurt that your mother (and you) experienced?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by  anita.
    #301615

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel:

    Thank you for your good wishes and I wish you well too. Art History 2 reads like an excellent class because the teacher explains the material well and  I like it that she provides lecture notes online. The grind of bureaucracy, such as getting immunization records is an undesirable part of life, but there it is, in every step of the way.

    This is exciting, reads like you will soon be a Stockton university student, hopefully with Janus as your official name, and most exciting to me is the idea that you will be living  on campus August 31, two months from now..!!!

    I like your focus (on graduating with your Associate Degree) and proceeding as you  do, in an organized, planned way, good job !

    anita

    #301603

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    July 18. I hope you enjoy the day as well. You have done ground breaking work most recently, and it is a turning point, do let it “sink in, and savor it”, and .. talk to you when you are back !

    anita

    #301599

    anita
    Participant

    Dear patelh:

    Regarding your regret about your previous relationship: unless that man is available for you currently, there is no practical use of this regret. Thing about pointless regret is this: most people miss out on a lot of opportunities in life, wasting a lot of their youths and years afterward in misery, be it the quiet desperation kind or the loud kind.

    Wasted opportunities, youth and resources are the rule, not the exception. As you focus on that one man as an opportunity for a healthy marriage, you are not seeing the many other opportunities you missed, the men you met that could have been good husbands (and whose parents would have approved of you).

    We don’t regret many of the opportunities that we missed because we are not aware of them; we regret the one or the few opportunities that we are aware of them.

    Taking this into consideration, I view my personal regrets, my personal waste of youth, resources, time as the human condition, it makes it … less tragic.

    Take your life situation as it is now and do all you can to make it better. So if I understand correctly, you are thinking of going the legal separation route and establishing shared custody of your child. When your to- be estranged husband has custody of your child, he will visit his parents and so the relationship between your child and her grandparents will continue, and that will be to the benefit of your child. Did I understand correctly?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by  anita.
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 23,764 total)